Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged Co-Parenting
Co-parenting: Sharing Holidays and Birthdays
115 years
The holiday season is upon us, starting with Thanksgiving in a few days. Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks and I want to share with you one of the things that I am so incredibly grateful for in my life.
I am grateful for the relationship I have with my ex-husband and his wife.
We work together to make decisions that are in the best interest of our kids and our family as a whole. We communicate regularly. We are all involved in school activities and community events.
A couple weeks ago my daughter started basketball. Her step-mom and another mom are coaching her team. The other mom was out of town for the second practice, so I took her place and coached with my daughter’s step-mom. It was fun.
We attend parent-teacher conferences together and we share our thoughts and concerns. We get along well, but we also occasionally have different opinions or ways of doing things. And that’s okay. As long as we discuss them and understand each other’s reasons and intentions, we can work out reasonable agreements and solutions.
My daughter just turned ten (so hard to believe!) and she wanted a French Hotel party. What the heck is that, right? Apparently she read about it in a magazine months ago and loved the idea. So we (her dad and step-mom and I) got together and came up with a plan.
We decided the party would be at their house because they had a better arrangement for several girls to sleep over. We did some shopping separately and some together to get the supplies for the party. We kept our receipts and evened up the money afterwards.
When the girls arrived, they checked in at the front desk (with grandma) and were escorted to their suite. A bellhop (dad) carried their bags up for them.
The girls were served dinner (by mom and step-mom), including cheese, grapes, salad, French bread, and sparkling cider served in champagne glasses, followed by chocolate mousse. They painted masterpieces on miniature canvasses on miniature easels with miniature paint sets (so cute!).
They dressed up and walked the cat walk and they gave each other French manicures. We had chocolate fondue (yum!!) and more “champagne”. In the morning, the girls were served French toast.
The “hotel staff” consisted of my former husband, his wife, his mom and me. Here’s a photo of us. It was great fun and I’m so thankful that we were able to do that together. For our daughter it was fantastic. She didn’t have to worry about any tension or embarrassment in front of her friends, and she got to share her special day with all of us.
We typically alternate the holidays each year, so the years our daughter is with me for Thanksgiving, she’s with her dad for Christmas, and so on. But this year, none of us are traveling and none of us have family coming in from out of town. So we’ve decided to have Thanksgiving together, and again, I’m thankful.
Sure, I could choose to have our daughter with me that day, but then it would just be the two of us. And who wants to do all that cooking for two people? Plus, my idea in my head of Thanksgiving includes lots of people sharing and enjoying each other’s company. So we’re doing it together, along with her grandmother, and I’m sure it will be nice.
My parents NEVER went near each other for holidays or my birthday, and that was hard for me. I was confused by it and even angry sometimes. Why when everyone was supposed to be giving and appreciating, was my family arguing or not speaking? I learned a lot from those experiences and I’m committed to creating positive memories for my daughter.
So what I’ve come to realize is that I’m actually thankful for all that I went through as a child. What I learned has been priceless, and my daughter has benefited tremendously. I am grateful that my journey has led me to exactly where I am today, and I can’t wait so see what comes next!
Thank you for joining me here and thank you for being who you are.
Think of the top ten things you’re thankful for and if some of them are people, let them know.
Happy Thanksgiving!! Use Sandra Bullock as a Role Model for Your Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
We’ve all heard about what happened to completely turn Sandra Bullock’s life upside down, and now the news has emerged that she recently (a few months ago) adopted a baby boy named Louis. And in the midst of all this she won an Academy Award. As complicated and busy as our lives seem to be, it’s hard to imagine being in her shoes right now, with every yucky detail of her husband’s affairs made public.
And yet, she has remained incredibly grounded and focused on what matters the most going forward – the children. Of course she needs to grieve and deal with all of the emotions associated with this type of betrayal and having her life yanked out from beneath her. But at the same time, by holding on to what she cares about and trying to protect the children from becoming victims in this situation, she is laying the foundation for a more harmonious divorce experience for all parties involved.
I applaud her for being so honest and for showing the world that even in a very painful and devastating situation, you can still be there for your kids and provide them the healthiest environment possible. That’s where the focus needs to go, because your relationship with your children need not change when your relationship with each other does.
Even more impressive is that Sandra is the step-mother to these children. The fact is that she has been a parent to them for several years, and in my book, the more people our kids have in their lives who truly love them, the better. I sincerely hope that she will be able to continue her close relationship with these kids since she has no legal right to be in their lives.
Here’s an excerpt from People Magazine’s new interview with Sandra Bullock:
“I don’t want to know what life is like without those kids. Jesse and I both know these kids are all that matter. Whatever we need to do, in the healthiest way, we are going to be co-parenting. I know my role is not one that exists on paper, but Louis is their brother, and Jesse and I will do whatever it takes for them to know that their world will not change and still be protected and safe and full of love. It will just have a slightly different dynamic now…”
Way to go Sandra! Another “Family Redefiner” in the world! Thanks for giving us another beautiful model of how to move forward with divorce and co-parenting.
Co-Parenting Tips
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is incredibly important for your children’s wellbeing. This means, whether your kids are with you most of the time, with their other parent most of the time, or split their time evenly between you, both of you need to be involved in the kids’ lives and in any decisions that are made about them.
Having one parent do all the real parenting, while the other one just takes the kids for fun outings, is not really co-parenting. Buying your kids lots of things every time you see them is not strong parenting either and can put the children in the middle between you. You may think that by doing really exciting things for your kids that they’ll like you better or want you more than their other parent, but it rarely works like that.
In fact, it can actually cause your child more pain and confusion, because they may now feel that they’re obligated to show you extra love, or they may feel very protective of the other parent who perhaps can’t afford such gifts.
Your children will love you both if you both simply love them, spend time with them, listen to them, laugh with them, and reassure them that you are there for them. In other words, just be their mom or dad. It’s not a competition and you can’t buy love.
If your custody situation and schedule are such that you only see your children every other weekend, you can still have a wonderfully close relationship with them if you spend quality time with them. What does that mean exactly? It doesn’t mean you have to plan a lot of outings or special activities that cost money.
Pay attention to what your child likes and talks about, and focus on those things. If they love to draw, then spend time drawing with them. If they love to be outside and explore, then go on some nature trails or walk around your neighborhood looking for certain leaves and flowers. If they like baking, then try a new recipe and let them do most of the “work”. If they’re into model airplanes, get a kit and make one together. If they love music, ask to hear some of their favorite tunes. If they’re not too old to be mortified, dance around with them. Bottom line: show an interest in them and let them know you’re there for them.
Don’t decide that rules go out the window because you feel sorry for your kids or feel guilty about getting divorced. This will not benefit them and will lead to more issues down the road. The more consistent you can be, the better. This lets them know that just because you’re not married anymore, everything hasn’t changed.
The more your children feel like the two of you are on the same page, the better. They will feel more secure and they will be less likely to try to play you off of each other. If you are both involved in making decisions about the kids and the kids know that you are in agreement on the decisions, they will feel more connected to both of you and less confused about what’s going on and who’s in charge.
In other words, your children will still feel like they have two parents, and that will mean the world to them. So put aside your differences and give your kids what they really want and need to grow and thrive – both of you.
Co-Parenting and the Gynecologist
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
So today I had my annual visit to the gynecologist. I’m sorry if that’s too much information for some people, but come on, we’re all adults here, right? And we all have these uncomfortable exams each year, right? Men, you have your own version and I’m sure it’s pretty awkward, to say the least.
Well, I was thinking about it because it’s not something we enjoy doing, and it’s not something we get excited about - in fact, some people absolutely loathe it. They dread it, and they can’t wait until it’s over…but…they still do it. Why? Because they know it’s in their best interest. They know it’s important for their health.
You may not be crazy about your ex, and it might be really awkward and uncomfortable being near one another. But think about an event that might be really important to your child, like their birthday party, or a ball game, or a dance performance. And plan to BOTH be there…together.
Yes, it might be uncomfortable and you may not have much to say. But do it anyway, just like the annual exam. It’s in the best interest of your child and it’s great for their health and well-being. And the nice thing is, you don’t have to be half naked 🙂 