Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged marriage
Divorce: Letting Go
013 years
I just turned 40 last week and I spent some time reflecting on my life so far – all the things I’ve done, some things I’ve not done. What I’m proud of, what I’m not so proud of. What matters most to me, what I want for this next year of my life.
I also thought about how perfectly everything happens in our lives, even though we can rarely see it at the time. From love to heartbreak, joy to sadness, every experience teaches us what we need to learn at that time.
I’m currently going through a process of letting go. Letting go of all that is not serving my highest good. There’s actually a lot that fits in that category and it’s a little scary. For example, I’ve got some fears that I’m ready to let go of so I will no longer be held back by them. I’ve got some physical clutter that I want to let go of because I hate seeing it around my house and it adds stress to my life. I want to feel at peace in my home.
I’ve got some old beliefs created in my childhood that no longer make sense in my life, but keep me feeling stuck or reacting in ways I don’t want to. I’ve got some emotional baggage from past relationships (with friends, romantic partners, family members) that I’m ready to release so it no longer has a hold on me.
Letting go can be difficult. But the rewards are great.
When we let go of anything that’s weighing us down, hurting us, or simply not serving us, we create space for something else to come into our lives. A new relationship, a new belief, a new confidence, a new perspective, a new joy, a new mindset.
When going through divorce, there is a lot to let go of and you certainly don’t have to do it all at once. But letting go is the key to moving forward, to finding peace, to enjoying life.
Let go of negative emotions (anger, resentment, guilt, shame, etc). Let go of the expectations and hopes you had for your marriage. Let go of the desire to change the past. Let go of the need to control. Let go of blame. Let go of self-criticism. Let go of competing. Let go of old clothes, old jewelry, old objects that are no longer useful or meaningful to you.
And as you let go, you will open to receive. It is almost magical how it happens.
You will create space and it will be filled. And you will be pleasantly surprised. You will discover that you can feel joy again, that wonderful things do happen to you and that letting go doesn’t mean losing anything.
For assistance in letting go of old beliefs that are keeping you stuck, I offer breakthrough sessions that enable you to quickly discover what’s holding you back and release it so you can move forward in your life. Ask me for details!
Divorce: Is ‘D’ the New Scarlet Letter?
114 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
One of the most common comments I get from people who have gone through divorce is that they feel like a failure. I completely understand this because I also felt like a failure when I got divorced. We feel like we should have been able to make it work, we wonder if we tried hard enough, we wonder what we could have done differently, we feel we’ve let our friends and family down, we’re afraid we’ve screwed up our children’s lives, we wonder if we could ever have a “successful” relationship.
Ultimately, we have let ourselves down, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Nobody gets married with the plan that when their kids are a certain age they’ll get divorced. Nobody gets married with the plan that after a few years they’ll dislike each other and possibly do very hurtful things to each other. We’re in love when we get married and we think we’re going to be together forever. We have dreams of children and a home together, of vacations and adventures, of growing old together.
And when things change over time and we find ourselves unable to rekindle the love that was once there, or we are devastated by a betrayal or abuse, or we’re riddled by guilt over our own betrayals – we realize we’re breaking the biggest promise we’ve ever made, and that feels like an enormous failing.
While it is true that your marriage has failed, I don’t believe that makes you a failure. Just like when your child misbehaves, it doesn’t mean that you’re a failure as a parent. We all fail at tasks, jobs, relationships, projects throughout our lives – this is how we learn and grow. Babies fall down over and over and over as they learn to walk. Kids crash when learning to ride their bikes. Marriages end as adults change and grow, make mistakes or have disagreements they can’t resolve.
Michael Jordan missed the winning shot in 26 basketball games. Does anyone think he’s a failure? Of course not, but he had failures. And he learned from them. And he had many more successes. This is the lesson to take away. Not that you are a failure, but what you have learned from failing. Thomas Edison failed nearly 1,000 times before he successfully created a light-bulb that would last up to 1200 hours. He learned from every single failure and is credited with some of the greatest inventions of all time.
You have experienced failure and there are many lessons to be learned as a result. You now get to choose how to use those lessons to grow and succeed as you move forward in your life. Others may see you as a failure, and you may feel like you’re wearing a scarlet letter. But with such a high percentage of the population getting divorced, I don’t think there’s really a stigma attached to it – I think it’s mostly in our own heads. So just take that scarlet letter off and throw it away. Treat yourself with the compassion and encouragement you use with that baby that’s learning to walk. Take one step at a time and before you know it, you’ll be running and skipping through life.
Don’t Let Divorce Define You
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Mar-riage (n): the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law
This is the current definition of marriage found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, although it may well change in the near future as more and more people push for the legal recognition of same-sex marriage. But aside from the legal aspect, don’t couples form their own definition of what marriage is for them? Not every marriage has the same “rules”, the same expectations, the same roles.
Some married couples have children, some don’t; some couples share bank accounts and others have separate accounts. Some couples sleep in the same bed each night and some don’t. Most marriages are monogamous, but some are open. Some couples spend most of their time together, while others spend little time together. Some couples even live in different houses or cities. None of these differences necessarily make any of these relationships less of a marriage.
In some marriages, one person earns income and is the sole financial provider, and in some marriages, one person takes on most of the child-rearing or household responsibilities. And in today’s world, either the man or the woman can take on any of these roles. Why? Because the boundaries and rules of the past have been redefined. Or, 
more accurately, they’ve been undefined, which brings freedom and choice.
Which brings us to divorce.
Di-vorce (n): the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage
The dictionary definition of divorce is easy to agree with. It’s the perception and assumptions that I struggle with. Our society seems to equate divorce with negativity and failure. While I can understand viewing divorce as the failure of a marriage, I cannot understand viewing the individuals getting divorced as failures themselves. Why are we so hard on each other and quick to judge?
With divorce rates so high, are most of us really failures? No, but many of us take on that role due to guilt and shame. And most of us expect divorce to be a nasty, horrible process. It doesn’t have to be though. Our world is changing. More and more people are coming together and working toward the common good, and we can do the same in divorce. It is a sad and difficult transition to go through, yet it can be used to heal and grow in amazing ways.
Which brings us to family.
Fam-i-ly (n): 1 – a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2 – a group of persons of common ancestry 3 – a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation
I think the first definition of family found in the dictionary has become quite outdated, since about half of all marriages end in divorce. As much as things have changed in our society over the last 50 years, we still tend to think of family as mom, dad and two kids all holding hands and smiling together in front of a lovely house. This is simply not the norm any more.
I have a brother who lived with my mom and me for most of my childhood. I have a step-sister who lived with my dad and step-mother, and we spent every other weekend together. My step-sister has a step-sister who lived with her dad and step-mother and she visited them occasionally. I have a daughter who lives with me half of the time. The other half of the time, she lives with her dad and step-mother and two half-siblings. Her step-mother has a mom and step-father, and two step-siblings who live with her dad. My daughter has a close friend who has two moms.
I have a friend who has one adopted child and one biological child, and sadly the mother died recently, so now he’s a single father. There are more and more dads with full custody of their children than ever before. My aunt raised her two grandchildren when their mother left when they were toddlers. With so many different combinations and situations, how can we possibly continue to define family as a group of people living under one roof, or as mother, father and children in one house?
The third dictionary definition is more appropriate. But, really, family is however WE define it. If you’re divorced and you have kids, you can still be a family. You’re just an expanded family. And your family can include people who are not blood-relatives. We are all connected, regardless of what our family trees say. Those deep connections we share with people, that sense of belonging and knowing we are loved are what make us family. Creating a child together that we both love can make us family, whether we’re married or not.
Redefine your marriage, your divorce and your family to fit who you are and what you believe in. By removing other people’s definitions and expectations, you find freedom and possibility…which foster peace and joy…and the world is a happier place for one more child.
