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Self Care
Divorce Tip: Self-Care
014 years
Here's a video blog about self-care when you're in the midst of a divorce or separation. Learn just how important it is to take care of yourself FIRST, and what you need to be focusing on so you can get through this transition period with fewer bumps and bruises. Love yourself!!
Divorce: No Sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? No Problem!
214 years
So Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and we’ve been seeing the hearts and candies and cards and other popular Valentine gifts for weeks now. Seems like the red and pink overtook all the store displays as soon as Christmas was over, right?
Valentine’s Day can be stressful and often disappointing, even for people in relationships. There are hopes and expectations, insecurities, comparisons to co-workers, friends, people on TV. Some people really care about giving or receiving gifts, or having a special get-together, and others don’t think it’s very important.
We’ve probably all been in the situation of not knowing what to get our partner, or wondering if our partner is going to get us something, or feeling disappointed because the day or gift or time together wasn’t what we’d hoped for. Maybe we wanted romance, or a night without the kids, or sex, or dinner, or just a card and a sweet “I love you”.
And with no partner on Valentine’s Day, now what? Pity party for one? Not a good plan.
Valentine’s Day is about love. There’s no rule that says it has to be about romantic love. Ignore the media hype and all the money-making crap everywhere, and make this day about love for you and your kids.
Tip: Be sure to plan ahead so you’re not trying to figure out what to do the night before. The point is to avoid falling into the trap of feeling alone or somehow inferior because you’re not currently in a wonderful, fairy-tale relationship. Our society places too much emphasis on getting the perfect gift and having the most romantic night, and not enough emphasis on caring for others and sharing from the heart.
Here are some suggestions for what to do to make Valentine’s Day special this year, regardless of your relationship status:
• Make a list of all the people you love. Your kids, your parents, friends. Next to each one, write down at least one reason you love them. I bet they’d love to get a card or note or email from you on Valentine’s Day letting them know. Include the reason(s) why you love them – it will make it special for them.
• If you have friends who are also single, plan something fun with them. Plan a dinner out or at one of your homes. If you’ve got kids, either get babysitters or include them. Maybe everyone can bring a dish, and you can all make Valentine’s for each other. The kids will enjoy this and it will keep them busy for a while.
• Plan something special with your children that’s all about love and gratitude. Make cards for each other and make a special treat like cookies or cupcakes that you can decorate for Valentine’s Day. Take turns telling each other all the things you love about each other and then all the other things you love in your life - friends, favorite foods, activities, dolls, sports, books, flowers, pets, snow, biking, trucks, etc.
• Love yourself. Express this love by pampering yourself in some way. Yes, the men too. This could be a massage, a bath, curling up with a good book, watching a movie you’ve been wanting to see, eating out, exercising, having some beer or wine while you do something relaxing, working on a project you rarely have time for but enjoy doing, going to a class (yoga, cooking, art, etc).
• Give yourself a gift. Get some flowers and put them in a place where you can enjoy them the most. Get a new CD and listen to it while you dance or sing along. Get a new book and start reading it. Get a DVD and watch it. Pick up dinner so you don’t have to cook. Get a new article of clothing or some sporting equipment. There’s nothing wrong with providing yourself with the things you want or enjoy. It’s called self-care and it’s an important life skill to learn and practice.
Regardless of what you choose to do, remember that you are loved (by relatives and friends), and this one day changes nothing. You can make it a fun, enjoyable day if you focus on who and what you love, and you don’t worry about what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
Much love to you on Valentine’s Day and every day!! Divorce: Letting Go
015 years
I just turned 40 last week and I spent some time reflecting on my life so far – all the things I’ve done, some things I’ve not done. What I’m proud of, what I’m not so proud of. What matters most to me, what I want for this next year of my life.
I also thought about how perfectly everything happens in our lives, even though we can rarely see it at the time. From love to heartbreak, joy to sadness, every experience teaches us what we need to learn at that time.
I’m currently going through a process of letting go. Letting go of all that is not serving my highest good. There’s actually a lot that fits in that category and it’s a little scary. For example, I’ve got some fears that I’m ready to let go of so I will no longer be held back by them. I’ve got some physical clutter that I want to let go of because I hate seeing it around my house and it adds stress to my life. I want to feel at peace in my home.
I’ve got some old beliefs created in my childhood that no longer make sense in my life, but keep me feeling stuck or reacting in ways I don’t want to. I’ve got some emotional baggage from past relationships (with friends, romantic partners, family members) that I’m ready to release so it no longer has a hold on me.
Letting go can be difficult. But the rewards are great.
When we let go of anything that’s weighing us down, hurting us, or simply not serving us, we create space for something else to come into our lives. A new relationship, a new belief, a new confidence, a new perspective, a new joy, a new mindset.
When going through divorce, there is a lot to let go of and you certainly don’t have to do it all at once. But letting go is the key to moving forward, to finding peace, to enjoying life.
Let go of negative emotions (anger, resentment, guilt, shame, etc). Let go of the expectations and hopes you had for your marriage. Let go of the desire to change the past. Let go of the need to control. Let go of blame. Let go of self-criticism. Let go of competing. Let go of old clothes, old jewelry, old objects that are no longer useful or meaningful to you.
And as you let go, you will open to receive. It is almost magical how it happens.
You will create space and it will be filled. And you will be pleasantly surprised. You will discover that you can feel joy again, that wonderful things do happen to you and that letting go doesn’t mean losing anything.
For assistance in letting go of old beliefs that are keeping you stuck, I offer breakthrough sessions that enable you to quickly discover what's holding you back and release it so you can move forward in your life. Ask me for details! Divorce: Is Happiness A Choice?
215 years
Divorced Happily Ever After. That’s the name of my business and I get a lot of remarks on it, along with some laughter. I’ll admit, it is a bit provocative. But that’s kind of the point. See, I’m tired of all the negativity surrounding divorce. I’m not saying there aren’t a lot of negative things that can happen leading up to and during a divorce, but I don’t think that should be where everyone puts their focus.
It’s like the nightly news. What gets the viewers? Nice, happy stories of people doing good deeds? Or horrible, tragic stories of brutality and devastation? Sadly our culture has come to thrive on shocking and disgusting stories. We can’t look away. We want to see how bad it can really get. And the media is happy to oblige us with ever more frightening accounts of violence that lead us to feel unsafe and certain that the world is falling apart.
I don’t subscribe to this way of thinking or believing, so I rarely watch or read the news. I keep up with current events just enough to avoid being completely ignorant about what’s happening in the world, but I don’t linger on the negative topics. And when I find an uplifting story, I relish it.
I politely excuse myself or gently steer the conversation elsewhere when I find myself in a group of people who are complaining about the state of affairs or encouraging each other’s fears. I think we find plenty to be afraid of in our everyday environment that there’s just no point in adding in more unnecessary fears.
And when it comes to divorce, I think we should do the same – steer away from the negativity. Yes, divorce is difficult. Yes, divorce is incredibly painful and sad. Yes, divorce is complicated. Yes, divorce can be heart-wrenching. I get it. I’ve been there, both as a child and as a parent. And it doesn’t mean your life is over. It certainly shouldn’t mean your children’s lives are ruined.
It all comes down to a choice.
How do you choose to respond to your circumstances? Do you want to be angry and stressed and miserable for many years to come because your marriage ended? Is that what you choose? Or do you want to be able to laugh and teach your children how to enjoy life, no matter the situation? I truly believe we all have this choice, every day, every minute.
And what you focus on, expands. So if you focus on the negative in your life, that’s what you’ll get more of. Notice the people you spend the most time with. If most of them are unhappy/negative/complaining a lot, then chances are, you are too. If this is the case, try elevating the conversation and mood and see what happens. If they’d rather whine and complain, it might be time to find some new folks to hang out with.
So, what does “happily ever after” mean? Certainly not the everything’s-always-perfect ideal that fairytales seem to promise. Nobody’s life is perfect. Life is ever-changing and we all have our share of challenges. It’s how we respond to them that makes all the difference.
Think about people you know who appear to have great lives. I bet they’ve all got stories from their past of not allowing some external event to stop them, or learning a lesson about living fully and loving life. Oprah Winfrey is an example. She grew up very poor, was made fun of at school and was molested by a family member. She could have lived a very sad life and nobody would have been surprised or disappointed in her. But she chose to live happily after after. She knew there was more to life and more for her to be in this life – and she went for it.
You can go for it too.
Choose your happiness.
It's in your hands.
Happiness doesn’t mean having lots of money, or living in a fancy house, or even having great friends. True happiness is about your attitude, your outlook on life. It’s more of a constant. I am very happy. I have rough days sometimes and my life is far from perfect, but I am happy. Am I smiling and laughing ALL the time? No. Will I ever love cleaning the house? I doubt it. But I know that life is so much better when I choose to be happy over unhappy.
I make a conscious choice that my external circumstances will not determine my overall well-being and love for life. And I continue to make that choice over and over.
Marci Shimoff wrote a book called ‘Happy For No Reason’, in which she gives tips and habits of happy people. She explains that everyone has a happiness set-point that is their natural level of happiness. So, yes, some people are just naturally happier than others (you know the always smiling and bubbly type), but there are habits you can practice that will increase your happiness level, no matter where you are starting out.
My challenge to you: Choose to live happily. You won’t regret it.
** I’ll be talking about this more in my FREE teleclass on Tuesday, August 24 at 7pm Eastern. Sign up here.
If that time doesn’t work for you, no worries, sign up anyway because you’ll get the recording the next day.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a therapist and I do not make diagnoses. This article is not in any way meant to downplay or discount mental disorders or imbalances that affect emotional states, such as depression, bi-polar disorder, etc. For individuals dealing with these types of challenges, I am not recommending that you stop any current treatment or that you can make a conscious choice to be happy and that will “cure” you. Divorce: Celebrate Your Successes Along the Way
215 years
We all tend to be good at finding every single little thing we haven’t done perfectly and going over in our minds how we might have done things better or differently. Our inner critic gets a lot of action and a lot of attention. When we’re going through a challenging life experience like divorce, this is often even more common.
So I’m giving you permission right now to quiet that inner voice that likes to find fault and criticize, and to make a point of acknowledging everything that you’re doing well. Look at what you’re accomplishing and where you’re making progress and give yourself credit for it.
Take some time at least once a week, and especially whenever you’re feeling down, and make a list of your successes. They can be big or small and they don’t have to be tangible. Maybe you held back when you were tempted to say something antagonistic to your spouse, maybe you had a great laugh yesterday with a friend, perhaps you read some helpful divorce support information or completed some paperwork you needed to take care of.
Whatever you’ve done that makes you feel good, gives you a sense of relief, or moves you the tiniest bit forward - celebrate it. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. For some of the bigger items or those that have the most meaning for you, actually have a celebration of some kind. You can celebrate alone, or with someone else. Just make it fun and meaningful because the point is to feel good about yourself and recognize that you really are making progress.
You can sing and dance in your living room, have your favorite meal, go out with a friend, get a massage, or whatever makes you feel special and appreciated.
It can also help to share your successes with others. Tell a close friend or relative who will be happy for you and celebrate with you. Feel free to share your successes here. Just leave a comment on this blog – I’d love to cheer you on! Divorce Self Care
2
One thing that people often let fall by the wayside during divorce is their own self-care. You feel overwhelmed already and have trouble just keeping your head above water, and yet this is when self-care is the most crucial. If it’s hard to handle what’s happening in your life, it’s exponentially harder if you’re not taking care of yourself.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to see how you’re doing with your self-care.
Are you…
- getting enough sleep so you can think clearly and function effectively?
- eating nourishing foods to give you energy and keep your immune system strong?
- taking a little time to yourself to process what’s going on and allow yourself to feel and express all the emotions that come up?
- asking for help if you need it?
- moving your body regularly or getting out in nature?
- doing something that’s fun or makes you laugh on a regular basis?
