Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
marlene
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Home page: http://www.DivorcedHappilyEverAfter.com
Posts by marlene
Use Sandra Bullock as a Role Model for Your Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
We’ve all heard about what happened to completely turn Sandra Bullock’s life upside down, and now the news has emerged that she recently (a few months ago) adopted a baby boy named Louis. And in the midst of all this she won an Academy Award. As complicated and busy as our lives seem to be, it’s hard to imagine being in her shoes right now, with every yucky detail of her husband’s affairs made public.
And yet, she has remained incredibly grounded and focused on what matters the most going forward – the children. Of course she needs to grieve and deal with all of the emotions associated with this type of betrayal and having her life yanked out from beneath her. But at the same time, by holding on to what she cares about and trying to protect the children from becoming victims in this situation, she is laying the foundation for a more harmonious divorce experience for all parties involved.
I applaud her for being so honest and for showing the world that even in a very painful and devastating situation, you can still be there for your kids and provide them the healthiest environment possible. That’s where the focus needs to go, because your relationship with your children need not change when your relationship with each other does.
Even more impressive is that Sandra is the step-mother to these children. The fact is that she has been a parent to them for several years, and in my book, the more people our kids have in their lives who truly love them, the better. I sincerely hope that she will be able to continue her close relationship with these kids since she has no legal right to be in their lives.
Here’s an excerpt from People Magazine’s new interview with Sandra Bullock:
“I don’t want to know what life is like without those kids. Jesse and I both know these kids are all that matter. Whatever we need to do, in the healthiest way, we are going to be co-parenting. I know my role is not one that exists on paper, but Louis is their brother, and Jesse and I will do whatever it takes for them to know that their world will not change and still be protected and safe and full of love. It will just have a slightly different dynamic now…”
Way to go Sandra! Another “Family Redefiner” in the world! Thanks for giving us another beautiful model of how to move forward with divorce and co-parenting.
Co-Parenting Tips
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is incredibly important for your children’s wellbeing. This means, whether your kids are with you most of the time, with their other parent most of the time, or split their time evenly between you, both of you need to be involved in the kids’ lives and in any decisions that are made about them.
Having one parent do all the real parenting, while the other one just takes the kids for fun outings, is not really co-parenting. Buying your kids lots of things every time you see them is not strong parenting either and can put the children in the middle between you. You may think that by doing really exciting things for your kids that they’ll like you better or want you more than their other parent, but it rarely works like that.
In fact, it can actually cause your child more pain and confusion, because they may now feel that they’re obligated to show you extra love, or they may feel very protective of the other parent who perhaps can’t afford such gifts.
Your children will love you both if you both simply love them, spend time with them, listen to them, laugh with them, and reassure them that you are there for them. In other words, just be their mom or dad. It’s not a competition and you can’t buy love.
If your custody situation and schedule are such that you only see your children every other weekend, you can still have a wonderfully close relationship with them if you spend quality time with them. What does that mean exactly? It doesn’t mean you have to plan a lot of outings or special activities that cost money.
Pay attention to what your child likes and talks about, and focus on those things. If they love to draw, then spend time drawing with them. If they love to be outside and explore, then go on some nature trails or walk around your neighborhood looking for certain leaves and flowers. If they like baking, then try a new recipe and let them do most of the “work”. If they’re into model airplanes, get a kit and make one together. If they love music, ask to hear some of their favorite tunes. If they’re not too old to be mortified, dance around with them. Bottom line: show an interest in them and let them know you’re there for them.
Don’t decide that rules go out the window because you feel sorry for your kids or feel guilty about getting divorced. This will not benefit them and will lead to more issues down the road. The more consistent you can be, the better. This lets them know that just because you’re not married anymore, everything hasn’t changed.
The more your children feel like the two of you are on the same page, the better. They will feel more secure and they will be less likely to try to play you off of each other. If you are both involved in making decisions about the kids and the kids know that you are in agreement on the decisions, they will feel more connected to both of you and less confused about what’s going on and who’s in charge.
In other words, your children will still feel like they have two parents, and that will mean the world to them. So put aside your differences and give your kids what they really want and need to grow and thrive – both of you.
Handling Everything Yourself After Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
One of the many things I’ve been working on today is putting together the trampoline my daughter’s been dying for. She’s at her dad’s this weekend and she’ll be thrilled when she comes back and sees it, so I’m excited about it. But….
It’s days like this when I think how much easier it would be if there were TWO of us here, and one being of the male persuasion. I’m fairly strong and am actually pretty good at putting things together and doing basic home repairs, but I’m 5’2” so sometimes I could really use some assistance. I mean, I can’t even reach the top shelf at the grocery store…that’s embarrassing.
But it can be tough when you’re living by yourself, running a household, working, and being a parent. There are times you might feel overwhelmed. After divorce, moms often struggle with handling home repairs, yard work, car repairs and things you don’t think of like moving something large or heavy to or from the attic. Dads often struggle with staying on top of the laundry, the grocery shopping, the meal planning, the school activities & homework, and other household chores.
I know these are stereotypical, but they are common and can be a huge shock after years of marriage where all the responsibilities and tasks were divided between you. So look around you and see what friends or family you have that might be able to help you occasionally with the things you simply can’t do by yourself. And maybe you can do something for them in return. Or if you’re able to hire someone (say for yardwork or housework), then go for it.
Since I’ve done what I can on this trampoline by myself, I’m going to have a couple neighbors come over tomorrow to help finish it. And then it’s bouncy time!!
Right now, I'm going to get the lawnmower out and start mowing...yippee!! It’s Spring – What Part of YOU Is Ready To Grow?
015 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
I don’t know about you, but I just love spring! I am fascinated by how quickly all the new leaves and buds appear on the trees and bushes. My daughter and I have been going around our yard every couple of days to investigate all the changes that have taken place and see what new things have bloomed.
I like the ones that from a distance still look bare, but upon closer inspection I find that there are small buds or teeny tiny leaves. I just feel so much excitement because I know I’m seeing the beginning of what’s going to be amazing growth and beauty, and I look forward to the end result.
Take a look at your life and find what little gems might only be seen upon closer inspection. Find the little buds that indicate the beginning of growth, the potential for something amazing. Out of winter, which often looks so barren and empty and drab, comes such lush, colorful beauty. And I think the same thing is true of any major challenge we face in life.
When things are most difficult and appear hopeless, are the times when the most growth is possible. These are our opportunities for showing our true colors, for transforming an ugly situation into a healthy, thriving one...for truly blossoming.
In the midst of a separation or divorce, of dealing with your ex, of learning how to co-parent, of losing friends, of grieving the loss of your marriage and the life you once had, stop for a few minutes and imagine what may come out of it in the end.
You can be the seemingly delicate flower that gradually pushes its way up through the hard ground, enduring pelting rains and strong winds, but rises taller and taller, and then slowly opens to reveal its brilliance. And when you do, those around you will stop and take notice...and be inspired to do a little growing of their own.
My request of you is to go out into nature this week and take a close look at all that is unfolding around you. Really drink it in and let it inspire you. And then reflect on what’s unfolding in your own life and what you want it to grow into.
Co-Parenting and the Gynecologist
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
So today I had my annual visit to the gynecologist. I’m sorry if that’s too much information for some people, but come on, we’re all adults here, right? And we all have these uncomfortable exams each year, right? Men, you have your own version and I’m sure it’s pretty awkward, to say the least.
Well, I was thinking about it because it’s not something we enjoy doing, and it’s not something we get excited about - in fact, some people absolutely loathe it. They dread it, and they can’t wait until it’s over…but…they still do it. Why? Because they know it’s in their best interest. They know it’s important for their health.
You may not be crazy about your ex, and it might be really awkward and uncomfortable being near one another. But think about an event that might be really important to your child, like their birthday party, or a ball game, or a dance performance. And plan to BOTH be there…together.
Yes, it might be uncomfortable and you may not have much to say. But do it anyway, just like the annual exam. It’s in the best interest of your child and it’s great for their health and well-being. And the nice thing is, you don’t have to be half naked 🙂 How is Performing on Dancing With the Stars Like Going Through A Divorce?
115 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Okay, so I’ll admit it. I just finished watching the premier of this season’s Dancing with the Stars. It was entertaining as always and an interesting mix of people. One thing that stood out to me in the judge’s comments was how important it is to make the connection with your partner and with the audience – that even if your technical dance skills are fantastic, it doesn’t matter, because the audience notices the “feeling” of it.
And then there are some celebrities who maybe don’t have very good dance skills, but they sure do know how to connect and we can all tell how much fun they’re having when they’re out there. And we tend to like them just as much, if not more, than the ones who have better talent.
This reminded me of how important it is when you’re going through all of the emotional ups and downs of a divorce to remember that your audience is often your kids. Remember that they are watching what you’re doing and they’re listening to what you’re saying, and most importantly, they’re picking up on the vibes and all the unspoken messages that you’re sending.
If you’re telling them that everything is just fine, but you’re extremely stiff and tense, and your lips are pursed, they’re not going to believe you. And if you’re short and snippy with your ex when you talk to him/her, your kids are certainly going to notice (and not like it).
So make an effort to be aware of the feelings and messages you’re sending out, particularly when your kids are observing. If they’re the judges of how you’re dealing with divorce, what paddles would they hold up for you? 4? 7? 9?
Keep striving for that 10….it’s worth all the effort.
(and when you have a really bad day, worthy of a 4, just learn from it and keep working on your new behaviors until they're more natural) Save money on your kids’ clothes, toys, etc
015 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
I just volunteered for a few hours at a children’s consignment sale in my local area. They have it twice a year – once at the beginning of spring and once at the beginning of fall. You can find them in most towns and I think they’re great.
I went to my first one when my daughter was a baby and I wished I had known about them before she was born. There is so much great stuff available – pack-n-plays, strollers, boppies, books, toys, diaper genies, bedding sets, bikes, and clothes galore. The list goes on and on.
The beauty of these sales is that everyone wins. The items get re-used, which is great for the environment, the people selling their items make some money, the people shopping there get incredible bargains and save tons of money, the community comes together, you get all of your children's old stuff out of your house, and much of what doesn’t get sold is donated to charities. How great is that?
If you’re going through a divorce and money is tighter than it used to be, this is a great way to cover most of your child’s wardrobe without spending much. Most clothing items cost less than $4 and don’t forget that you can re-sell your stuff after your kids outgrow it (if it’s still in good condition). It's also a great way to get extra clothes and toys for two households. And if money isn’t tight for you, it’s still a wonderful way to re-use and help others make and save money.
Just google “kids consignment sale” followed by the name of your city and see what comes up. Most places have them in March and September. Happy consigning! Is Bad-Mouthing Your Ex Helpful or Harmful?
015 years
Bad-mouthing your ex can feel really good when you’re pissed off or hurting. But be careful when and how you do it. You could be hurting yourself and those around you. It’s a big no-no in front of your kids. Don’t do it!! I don’t care what your ex has done, DO NOT talk badly about him/her in front of your children. This is very harmful to your kids and can undermine their trust in you.
Have some structures in place to help you when you are upset and need to get some things off your chest. For example, you may have a close friend or family member that you can vent to. But don’t let that be all you ever talk about with them. Eventually they will get tired of your “complaining” and may start avoiding you. Ask if it’s okay to vent a little bit. Then spend just a few minutes (don’t go on and on and on) to get out what you need to get out. And then….LET IT GO. That’s the point of venting – to get it out of you. You don’t want to keep revisiting it and reliving it.
Another option is to write in a journal all the things that you’re feeling or thinking. When you’re writing, and nobody else is going to see it, you can write all those horrible, mean things you might be thinking, but wouldn’t want other people to know you’re thinking. You can even write them on a piece of paper and then tear it up and throw it away (or burn it) if you want to make sure there’s no way anyone will ever see it. If you write in a journal, be sure to keep it somewhere safe where it won’t be discovered.
If you’re not really into writing, you can also just say what’s on your mind out loud when no one else is around. You can do it in your car or at home. Yell and scream if you need to – whatever helps you to get it out so it doesn’t stay inside you.
You can also share your feelings with a therapist, counselor, or coach – someone who’s not involved in the situation and can allow you to share your thoughts, then help you to move forward with strategies to deal with them.
I strongly recommend against bad-mouthing your ex to lots of your friends, even if what you’re saying is true or, in your mind, justified. This type of thing has a way of finding its way back to the other person and that can really escalate the negativity between you. It can also start a nasty battle you probably don’t want to be involved with. And your friends may begin to view you differently – you may start coming across as bitter and vengeful, not fun to hang out with.
If people ask you how things are going with your ex or what he/she has been doing lately, you still don’t have to share all the ugly details or how upset you are. Practice telling people that there are still challenges, but that you’re working through them. It’s a first step in shifting your mindset from what’s happening to you, to what you’re doing to deal with the situation and move forward.
If you’re not really into writing, you can also just say what’s on your mind out loud when no one else is around. You can do it in your car or at home. Yell and scream if you need to – whatever helps you to get it out so it doesn’t stay inside you.
You can also share your feelings with a therapist, counselor, or coach – someone who’s not involved in the situation and can allow you to share your thoughts, then help you to move forward with strategies to deal with them.
I strongly recommend against bad-mouthing your ex to lots of your friends, even if what you’re saying is true or, in your mind, justified. This type of thing has a way of finding its way back to the other person and that can really escalate the negativity between you. It can also start a nasty battle you probably don’t want to be involved with. And your friends may begin to view you differently – you may start coming across as bitter and vengeful, not fun to hang out with.
If people ask you how things are going with your ex or what he/she has been doing lately, you still don’t have to share all the ugly details or how upset you are. Practice telling people that there are still challenges, but that you’re working through them. It’s a first step in shifting your mindset from what’s happening to you, to what you’re doing to deal with the situation and move forward. Divorce Self Care
2
One thing that people often let fall by the wayside during divorce is their own self-care. You feel overwhelmed already and have trouble just keeping your head above water, and yet this is when self-care is the most crucial. If it’s hard to handle what’s happening in your life, it’s exponentially harder if you’re not taking care of yourself.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to see how you’re doing with your self-care.
Are you…
- getting enough sleep so you can think clearly and function effectively?
- eating nourishing foods to give you energy and keep your immune system strong?
- taking a little time to yourself to process what’s going on and allow yourself to feel and express all the emotions that come up?
- asking for help if you need it?
- moving your body regularly or getting out in nature?
- doing something that’s fun or makes you laugh on a regular basis?
