Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Dealing Wtih Your Ex
Be the Karate Kid in Your Divorce
314 years
What do divorce and the Kung Fu have in common? Well, I watched the movie Karate Kid (the new version) with my daughter the other day and there are some good lessons in there. Dre, the Karate Kid, tells his mom that he’s going to be learning Kung Fu and she says something like “what have I told you about fighting?”. He replies “it’s not about fighting, it’s about making peace with your enemies”. I like that line a lot. That’s exactly how divorcing parents should look at dealing with each other.
“Kung Fu” means expertise in a skill achieved through hard work and practice. It has also been translated as “patient accomplishment”, because the idea is that it takes time and energy to master a skill. So let your goal be to have good kung fu in your divorce and co-parenting. It won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen just because you’d like it to. You will be required to put in the time and the energy, the sweat and tears, to make it happen. But you can make it happen. And you can “bring honor to your family”.
How does the Karate Kid start his training? Not by serious workouts or even learning specific martial arts moves. He starts by doing what seems to be a very mundane task…over and over and over again. He gets frustrated because it seems like he’s not learning anything. He wants to see results right away and he can’t see how what he is doing can possibly help him when he goes up against his “enemy” in a competition. But the teacher tells him to trust him and keep doing the same thing over and over.
Finally, the teacher engages him in a mock fight and shows him that the movements he was doing that seemed so pointless are actually movements that his body can now do effortlessly in a combat situation. He was learning all along, though he didn’t realize it.
This is precisely how you can create a harmonious situation with your former spouse and your kids. You simply engage in the every-day, common activities and behaviors that you do anyway with your friends. But you do them in relation to your ex.
You treat them respect.
You communicate regularly and effectively.
You use constructive criticism if needed, but refrain from bad-mouthing or dismissing.
You don’t judge or blame.
You discuss issues with a desire to find a common resolution.
You are honest.
You take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it.
You pay attention to and consider your children’s needs.
You notice and appreciate the little things.
You honor your differences and you keep an open mind.
You learn from your experiences.
You hold yourself accountable for your actions.
You celebrate successes.
You won’t see a change overnight and you may wonder if there’s a point to what you’re doing. I assure you, there is. Once these behaviors become natural and effortless, you will discover that you are able to effectively handle almost any situation that arises. You will find that your relationship has improved and you have, in fact, made peace with your “enemy”.
So you now have permission to use Kung Fu with your ex spouse. Get started today practicing patient accomplishment….wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off….
Divorce: Don’t Act Out of Fear
014 years
Dealing with your ex as you go through the divorce process and try to figure out how to co-parent now that you’re no longer together, can be frustrating to say the least. You may be asking yourself the following questions: Why can’t (s)he be on time? Why won’t (s)he spend more time with the kids? What is (s)he saying to our children about me? Is (s)he dating anyone? What if (s)he moves in with or marries that person (s)he’s been dating? How do I talk to him/her about financial issues? Should I tell him/her about the event coming up at school?
It has probably crossed your mind that it sure would be easier if (s)he would just disappear and stop interfering with your life, right? Or why can’t (s)he be more like so-and-so’s spouse? Well, the truth is, you can’t change your ex. You can’t control your ex. You can’t really avoid your ex. And you can’t make your ex disappear. Especially if you want what’s best for your children.
Your kids want both of you in their lives and they really want you to get along. They may want you back together, and since that’s not going to happen, the next best thing is to have a good, friendly relationship. No, I’m not kidding, and no, I’m not crazy.
I’ve been there, done that. I have a great relationship with my ex and his wife and their two kids. I don’t tell you that to brag or to make you feel bad, but rather to let you know that it’s possible and you can do it too. It didn’t happen because I’m lucky either. It happened because I chose that path. I made a commitment and I’ve done everything possible to stick to that commitment.
For example, I told my ex up front, when we made the decision to get divorced, that I would not repeat what my parents did. I knew he was concerned about our daughter and I let him know that was my primary concern too. I told him the things my parents did that were the most harmful to my brother and me, and I explained that I wanted us to respect one another and make decisions together about our child. I told him I knew how much he loved her and how much she loved him, and how important that relationship was to me. I made it clear that I would never try to keep her from him or use her as a pawn, because I understood that she needed both of us in her life.
When we separated, I gave my daughter a photo of her with her dad to put by her bed. It’s still there after six years. She wanted to put a photo of the three of us on the fridge (from her first day of school) and I said “sure”. These are simple things that really matter.
Don’t underestimate the importance of the other parent to your child, regardless of what (s)he’s done or not done, and regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
I welcomed my ex husband’s girlfriend when they started getting serious. I asked her to come in when they came over together for the first time to pick up my daughter. I wanted her to feel included and as comfortable as possible because I wanted her to be good to my daughter. I never wanted my daughter to be on the receiving end of someone’s dislike for me. And so I gave her no reasons to dislike me.
I realize how impossible this may sound to you right now, but I can’t stress enough what a difference it will make in your life, particularly long-term. It goes back to the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Imagine if you started dating someone who’s divorced and has kids. How awkward would you feel being the outsider, the new person, spending time with someone else’s kids? How would you feel if the ex-wife or ex-husband was rude to you or said negative things about you to their kids?
Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you had no ill will toward them? Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you could be a positive influence in their children’s lives? The fact of the matter is that both of you (the former spouse and the new partner) feel uncomfortable and aren’t sure what to do or say. Make the first move and ease the tension.
Don’t pre-judge and don’t assume. And remember that this person could be sharing a home with your kids one day and have a big impact on their lives. Do you want it to be positive or negative? You could be interacting with them for many years to come. Also remember that they cannot take your place. Your kids have one Mom and one Dad and that will always be true. They may have additional “parents” who care for them (which can be a really good thing), but they know the difference. They know who Mom and Dad are.
Don’t act out of fear. Act out of love.
Choose what’s best for your children and then make a commitment to stick to it, no matter what. You’ll be glad you did.
To learn more about how to deal with your ex in a way that’s positive and benefits everyone involved, check out my new teleclass series that’s starting in mid-September at www.NavigatingMyDivorce.com. Would love to have you join me!
How to Handle Your Ex Bad-Mouthing You
114 years
by marlene
in Dealing Wtih Your Ex
An issue that unfortunately comes up a lot in divorce is one spouse bad-mouthing the other one, often in front of or to the children. This is so detrimental to the kids and to the relationships between all parties. I can’t stress enough how damaging this is.
I understand that there can be a lot of anger and hostility involved, but saying nasty things (true or untrue) about the other person will not help in any way. Even if there is momentary satisfaction from hurting the other person, it will not last and it will only cause more problems in the end, particularly with the children.
If your ex partner is saying nasty things about you, what can you do about it? You can’t make them stop, but you can control how you respond and how you model mature adult behavior to your children. First, do NOT respond in kind. No matter what they say, do not allow yourself to be dragged into an argument. It’s perfectly okay to say “I will be happy to discuss this with you when you are ready to talk calmly and constructively”, and then excuse yourself from the situation.
If your child is present, definitely remove yourself and your child as quickly as possible, but do not say bad things to your child about what just happened. Instead, explain that “daddy” or “mommy” is obviously upset and that sometimes when people are upset they say things that are mean or don’t make sense. You can also let your child know that you know it’s hard for them to understand and you’re sorry that it makes them feel bad.
If your child voices to you that they don’t like hearing their other parent say bad things about you, you can let them know that it’s okay to voice their feelings to the other parent if they want to (if it’s safe). They can tell the other parent that they love both of you and don’t like hearing either of you say mean things about the other. Just be careful with this because you don’t want it to sound like the message is coming from you – it needs to come from your child if he/she is comfortable delivering it and wants to.
Contact your former spouse after an incident to let him/her know that you do not want your children exposed to your arguments or negative comments. Don’t be pushy or confrontational because that will only egg them on. Simply state that you are concerned about the effect it will have on your kids and that you’d like to keep them out of what is between the two of you. Let him/her know that you’re willing to talk about whatever they want to discuss and you’d like to work together as much as possible since you’re going to have to interact for years to come.
Don’t contact your ex when you are upset. Do something to calm down first so that you can be logical and reasonable. Take deep breaths, exercise, go for a walk outside, listen to uplifting or calming music, do yoga – do whatever works for you. Remind yourself why you’re choosing to be positive and cooperative. If it helps, hold a photo of your child in front of you while you talk with your ex. Whatever helps you stay focused and clear so that you can avoid getting defensive or aggressive is key.
I also suggest letting your ex know that you do not, and will not, say bad things about him/her to your children, regardless of what happens between you. Don’t say it in a way that makes it sound like you’re better than them because that will likely piss them off or cause them to get defensive.
Simply say something like this: “I really don’t want [children’s names] to feel caught in the middle between us and I think it’s important for them know we both love them. Even though I’m not very happy with you right now, I know they love you and I don’t ever want to interfere with that. So I just want you to know that I don’t say negative things about you to them, and I’m not going to, because I think it would make them feel bad.”
Do you see how that takes the pressure off your ex and puts the emphasis on your kids, and wanting them to feel good? It also reassures your former spouse that you aren’t bad-mouthing them when the kids are with you. Often people just assume that the other parent is saying bad things about them, so they do it to in an attempt to “level the playing field”, not realizing the damage they’re doing to the children. So by taking away that fear, you may also take away their need to talk badly about you.
I also encourage you to keep your negative comments about your ex to a minimum with your friends and family. It’s okay to tell close friends or family members about what’s going on in your life, but think about whether you’re just bashing your ex because you’re angry, or whether you’re describing the events that have occurred because you need support and/or a shoulder to lean on.
Venting can be helpful as long as you don’t go overboard. Having someone you trust that you can say anything to and get things off your chest can be wonderful. Conversely, telling anyone who will listen how awful your ex spouse is, just increases the negativity in your life and keeps you focused on what you DON’T want. Tell that one trusted person or write in a journal so you can let the incident go…then start focusing on the outcome you DO want and put your energy there.
Divorce: Your Ex Could Be A Nose-Picker
614 years
I’m sitting on a plane flying across the country and I’m realizing how much discomfort we can deal with in a very civilized way when we choose to. Think about it. We cram into a large metal container, sitting closer to a stranger than we’d like to, especially when said stranger doesn’t have the same appreciation for deodorant as we do. It seems crazy, no?
This particular plane has seven seats across and just looking at the seats within two rows of me, I can see five different ethnic backgrounds, a couple bald heads, one with dreadlocks, a woman sleeping with her mouth open, a couple guys talking loudly enough for me to hear every boring word, two very unhappy babies, someone eating something out of a very crackly bag, two barefoot people, and…a guy diagonally across the aisle from me who keeps picking his nose…really, I’m not kidding. And…lovely…he just flicked it…then reached for the latch of his table tray. Yuck!
We are all different and all doing our own (in some cases, disgusting) things. We probably prefer different temperatures so during the flight some people will turn their air on, others off, some will wear jackets, some will sweat, and others will cover up with blankets. Some people will drown out all other noise listening to headphones, some will read, some will talk, others will do puzzles or work, and some will sleep. Some people will bring their own food to eat, while others will buy a meal or snack onboard.
The bottom line is that we all co-exist here, in this cramped, uncomfortable space with all of our habits and preferences and idiosyncracies and differences. We might be annoyed by loud-talkers, smelly foods, crying babies or nose-pickers, but we won’t fight about it. We usually won’t even say anything. Regardless of what we think of one another as we move toward our destination, we all sit, primarily poker-faced, sometimes friendly or even helpful, but typically keeping our thoughts to ourselves.
Most of us will simply do our own thing and accept the situation as it is. Why? Because it’s worth it to us! The convenience of flying from one coast to another in a few hours is worth being uncomfortable, or even a little pissed, right?
So answer this: what is your child’s well-being worth to you? Can you stand a little discomfort now and then, a few awkward situations when you’re in the presence of someone you’d rather not hang out with? How awful is it? Really. Is it about like listening to screaming babies while a grown man picks his nose and flicks it right in front of you? Then deal with it. Be civilized. Don’t fight over it.
Think about the end result, the destination. Yours is a happy, well-adjusted child who looks up to you and feels safe. Isn’t that what you want? Then don’t create unnecessary turbulence on the way there. But definitely make the trip – it is so worth it!!
Is Bad-Mouthing Your Ex Helpful or Harmful?
014 years
Bad-mouthing your ex can feel really good when you’re pissed off or hurting. But be careful when and how you do it. You could be hurting yourself and those around you. It’s a big no-no in front of your kids. Don’t do it!! I don’t care what your ex has done, DO NOT talk badly about him/her in front of your children. This is very harmful to your kids and can undermine their trust in you.
Have some structures in place to help you when you are upset and need to get some things off your chest. For example, you may have a close friend or family member that you can vent to. But don’t let that be all you ever talk about with them. Eventually they will get tired of your “complaining” and may start avoiding you. Ask if it’s okay to vent a little bit. Then spend just a few minutes (don’t go on and on and on) to get out what you need to get out. And then….LET IT GO. That’s the point of venting – to get it out of you. You don’t want to keep revisiting it and reliving it.
Another option is to write in a journal all the things that you’re feeling or thinking. When you’re writing, and nobody else is going to see it, you can write all those horrible, mean things you might be thinking, but wouldn’t want other people to know you’re thinking. You can even write them on a piece of paper and then tear it up and throw it away (or burn it) if you want to make sure there’s no way anyone will ever see it. If you write in a journal, be sure to keep it somewhere safe where it won’t be discovered.
If you’re not really into writing, you can also just say what’s on your mind out loud when no one else is around. You can do it in your car or at home. Yell and scream if you need to – whatever helps you to get it out so it doesn’t stay inside you.
You can also share your feelings with a therapist, counselor, or coach – someone who’s not involved in the situation and can allow you to share your thoughts, then help you to move forward with strategies to deal with them.
I strongly recommend against bad-mouthing your ex to lots of your friends, even if what you’re saying is true or, in your mind, justified. This type of thing has a way of finding its way back to the other person and that can really escalate the negativity between you. It can also start a nasty battle you probably don’t want to be involved with. And your friends may begin to view you differently – you may start coming across as bitter and vengeful, not fun to hang out with.
If people ask you how things are going with your ex or what he/she has been doing lately, you still don’t have to share all the ugly details or how upset you are. Practice telling people that there are still challenges, but that you’re working through them. It’s a first step in shifting your mindset from what’s happening to you, to what you’re doing to deal with the situation and move forward.
Being Cold Sucks – Add Some Warmth to Your Relationship with Your Ex
114 years
by marlene
in Dealing Wtih Your Ex
Brrrr….all this cold weather got me thinking about how cold we can be to each other sometimes and how that feels. It’s very much like how we feel when the temperature drops outside. Think about it for a minute. How do you react physically when you’re cold? You cross your arms, you tighten up, you feel very closed off and rigid, no part of you is relaxed, and all you can think about is getting out of this uncomfortable place. You want it to go away. 
Now think about your interactions with your ex or soon-to-be-ex partner. When you go through a divorce, it creates a lot of emotions, many of them very negative. You may have been hurt badly or feel that the other person is not being fair, or even cordial. You may be very cold toward one another.
And how does that feel? You probably have the same reaction you have when you step outside your front door and that freezing cold air hits you, right? You cross your arms, you tighten up, you close yourself off, and you want to get away. There’s no way you can have a productive conversation like this, and you’re only adding to the distance and negativity between you.
So next time you feel the temperature drop when you encounter your ex, try to react differently and see what happens. Focus on keeping your body relaxed, take a deep breath, and imagine how warm and comfortable you feel when you’re talking with a close friend…then look them in the eye and answer with the most natural tone you can muster. If you’re really up to the task, try a smile. This may feel ridiculously awkward and you may still feel very tense inside, but try to keep the outside relaxed. You might be surprised by what happens.
They’ll notice a difference. It’s like when you’re cold and you go by a vent blowing warm air, and you have that moment of “aaaah”. They’ll feel it. And even if they don’t react to it in an obvious way, you will know that you just chipped away at some of the ice that’s formed between you, and you may begin to start melting away some of those negative feelings you’ve been holding onto that have made you a colder person.
Invite the shift within yourself. Focus on warmth and opening up. You can always practice with people you don’t know so you can feel more comfortable doing it. Try it out on the cashier at the grocery store, or a neighbor you rarely speak to, or anyone else you come in contact with in your usual activities. See how infectious the warmth and openness is. People gravitate to it, just like they gather around a fire.
Have fun with it – treat it like an experiment and just see what happens. I’d love to hear how this goes for you.
Stay warm!!
