Divorced Happily Ever After
Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Co-parenting: Sharing Holidays and Birthdays
113 years
The holiday season is upon us, starting with Thanksgiving in a few days. Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks and I want to share with you one of the things that I am so incredibly grateful for in my life.
I am grateful for the relationship I have with my ex-husband and his wife.
We work together to make decisions that are in the best interest of our kids and our family as a whole. We communicate regularly. We are all involved in school activities and community events.
A couple weeks ago my daughter started basketball. Her step-mom and another mom are coaching her team. The other mom was out of town for the second practice, so I took her place and coached with my daughter’s step-mom. It was fun.
We attend parent-teacher conferences together and we share our thoughts and concerns. We get along well, but we also occasionally have different opinions or ways of doing things. And that’s okay. As long as we discuss them and understand each other’s reasons and intentions, we can work out reasonable agreements and solutions.
My daughter just turned ten (so hard to believe!) and she wanted a French Hotel party. What the heck is that, right? Apparently she read about it in a magazine months ago and loved the idea. So we (her dad and step-mom and I) got together and came up with a plan.
We decided the party would be at their house because they had a better arrangement for several girls to sleep over. We did some shopping separately and some together to get the supplies for the party. We kept our receipts and evened up the money afterwards.
When the girls arrived, they checked in at the front desk (with grandma) and were escorted to their suite. A bellhop (dad) carried their bags up for them.
The girls were served dinner (by mom and step-mom), including cheese, grapes, salad, French bread, and sparkling cider served in champagne glasses, followed by chocolate mousse. They painted masterpieces on miniature canvasses on miniature easels with miniature paint sets (so cute!).
They dressed up and walked the cat walk and they gave each other French manicures. We had chocolate fondue (yum!!) and more “champagne”. In the morning, the girls were served French toast.
The “hotel staff” consisted of my former husband, his wife, his mom and me. Here’s a photo of us. It was great fun and I’m so thankful that we were able to do that together. For our daughter it was fantastic. She didn’t have to worry about any tension or embarrassment in front of her friends, and she got to share her special day with all of us.
We typically alternate the holidays each year, so the years our daughter is with me for Thanksgiving, she’s with her dad for Christmas, and so on. But this year, none of us are traveling and none of us have family coming in from out of town. So we’ve decided to have Thanksgiving together, and again, I’m thankful.
Sure, I could choose to have our daughter with me that day, but then it would just be the two of us. And who wants to do all that cooking for two people? Plus, my idea in my head of Thanksgiving includes lots of people sharing and enjoying each other’s company. So we’re doing it together, along with her grandmother, and I’m sure it will be nice.
My parents NEVER went near each other for holidays or my birthday, and that was hard for me. I was confused by it and even angry sometimes. Why when everyone was supposed to be giving and appreciating, was my family arguing or not speaking? I learned a lot from those experiences and I’m committed to creating positive memories for my daughter.
So what I’ve come to realize is that I’m actually thankful for all that I went through as a child. What I learned has been priceless, and my daughter has benefited tremendously. I am grateful that my journey has led me to exactly where I am today, and I can’t wait so see what comes next!
Thank you for joining me here and thank you for being who you are.
Think of the top ten things you’re thankful for and if some of them are people, let them know.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Co-Parents: Every-day Superheroes
413 years
This Halloween showed me what true superheroes are, and there’s no costume needed. They’re people who have made a conscious choice to come together in peace and partnership to co-parent their children.
I grew up watching and wanting to be Wonder Woman. In fact, I even had Wonder Woman Underoos. If you’re in your thirties or early forties, you probably remember what Underoos were. If not, well, they were sort of a cross between underwear and pajamas with superhero prints on them. My brother and I played in them (in the house) and slept in them.
And I watched Wonder Woman on TV regularly. And the Incredible Hulk. And the Six Million Dollar Man. And Superfriends. And the Bionic Woman. But I really wanted to be Wonder Woman. So this year I finally was…for a night…
Halloween is a fun time to decorate, dress up with your kids, carve pumpkins, eat candy, see your neighbors. This year our “family” theme was superheroes and we went trick-or-treating together. My ex-husband was Batman, his wife was Batgirl, their daughter was Supergirl, their son was Spiderman, our daughter was Spidergirl, and I was Wonder Woman.
A whole superhero family.
And we really are. Each of us is a superhero in our own unique way.
My ex-husband and his wife are super parents and they go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to including me in family activities. They invite me over for dinner and ask me along to community events.
Their kids (I want to call them my step-kids, but technically they’re not) make me weak-kneed with a hug or a giggle, or a simple “please stay”….oh, my heart…
My daughter epitomizes the words “sweet” and “caring”. She excels as a big sister and shows kindness to every living being she comes in contact with. Feeling her hand in mine or looking in her big blue eyes, and I believe everything is possible.
I know our kids are watching us and learning from us every day. And it is my deep desire that they learn what a true hero is. That they see our strengths and our commitment to what it is good and true. That they learn love and compassion and kindness and forgiveness, and all the traits that make every-day people super and heroic.
I strive to be Wonder Woman every day, no matter the outfit. Not by having super powers or being invincible, but by being authentic and standing in my power as a woman and a mother, and by inspiring wonder and passion in others.
What do you desire?
Choose your own superhero alter-ego and pretend you’ve got Underoos on under your clothes. Parent knowing that you’re raising a mini superhero, who must learn from you how to defend the defenseless, love the unlovable, share with the stingy, outshine evil, forgive hurts, show courage, speak the truth, live passionately, and appreciate every experience.
You have power . You are super. You are a hero. Let’s save the world, one family at a time.
My divorce story…
414 years
by marlene
in Collaborative Divorce
Today is a very exciting day for me. It’s also a little scary.
I’m a co-author of the book Align Expand Succeed: Shifting the Paradigm of Entrepreneurial Success and it’s being released TODAY! Woo-hoo!!!
So why am I a little scared? Well, because my chapter is about how my parents’ divorce affected me and shaped my life. And it’s not all smiley faces and rainbows. Sure, I’ve shared this story many times with people and I’m not shy about it…except when it comes to putting it in print.
You see, I’ve spent many years mending the pain and hurt that occurred in my childhood and I now have a really good relationship with my parents and step-parent. But the truth is that I’ve never shared with them all of my feelings and experiences that I went through as a child. When I was in my late 20’s, we basically decided to start over from scratch with our relationship. So we’ve just focused on the present and moving forward, without rehashing the past.
So now I’m spilling the beans, so to speak, about my past, and I don’t want to hurt anyone or stir things up. But at the same time, I feel it’s time for me to share openly what my experience was, in the hope that it can help others who are going through divorce. Nothing I’ve written is intended to blame or hurt anyone. It is simply my perception of what happened in my life, as seen through a child’s eyes, and processed by a child’s brain.
Of course, as an adult and parent now, I can look back with greater understanding and compassion for my parents and for the child I was. But I know that all of my experiences led me to where I am right now and who I am right now, and for that I am truly grateful.
I’ve included the beginning of my chapter here…
Broken Vows
By age ten I had made three vows to myself:
1. I would not depend on anyone for anything, especially money.
2. I would not show weakness or imperfection.
3. I would not get divorced, especially if I had kids.
Number 3 was the promise I did not keep, largely as a result of working so hard to keep numbers 1 and 2. I now look back at my childhood and have so much clarity and compassion for my parents, whose words and actions laid the path that ultimately led me to realize my life purpose.
I was six and my brother two when our parents divorced. My father remarried the following year, and as my stepmother took her place in our family, I felt my relationship with my father begin to slip away. My parents moved to different cities and my brother and I visited our dad every other weekend. My father often seemed frustrated and tense, and I quickly learned to dodge his anger and criticism by keeping quiet and staying out of the way. I loved to read so I kept my nose in my books as much as possible. Reading for me became not only a safety zone, but an escape from reality.
I learned to keep people at a safe distance.
I was naturally outspoken, confident, and active, but at my dad’s house, the meek and timid, perfectionist Marlene emerged, resulting in my dad’s belief that I was a very shy child. Because I didn’t share much with him about my everyday life, he was often surprised when I won leadership or citizenship awards, or participated in activities with friends. His reactions angered me because I felt that if he knew me at all, the last thing he would be was surprised. Looking back, I know my behavior helped create the distance between us and prevented him from knowing me. I was scared for him to know me because I was afraid of being close to him. I didn’t want to have feelings for him as I was terrified of getting hurt, afraid I could never please him, never get his approval, so I didn’t try. I made up my young mind that I didn’t care what he thought and that I didn’t need his approval. My brother took the opposite route. He tried desperately to win the approval of a man who was unable to give it, and when he didn’t, he tried to at least get his attention by misbehaving and getting into trouble. That worked, and I watched from behind my books as my brother’s spirit was broken by my father’s reactions and reproach.
I learned that being myself was not okay.
It seemed we were always walking on eggshells, attempting to avoid any explosions, until one day finally the bomb went off. My father and stepmother filed for full custody of my brother and me when I was nine. My mother was in graduate school full-time and we were living off of her modest savings. Now her nest egg went to an attorney in the hope of retaining custody. I was terrified that I would be taken from my mother, and remember lying in bed making plans to run away if I had to live with my father and stepmother. I thought surely if I ran away enough times, I would be allowed to go back to my mom. In court, my mom was made out to be an unfit mother, which was far from the truth. Somehow she still won the case, and our alternating weekend schedule continued. It was a relief, but it also seemed to cement the bitterness and conflict between my parents.
I learned that people could not be trusted.
I was too frightened of my father to talk to him openly about how I felt. I knew my mother was barely scraping by and always worried about money, so I didn’t want to make my father angry enough that he might withhold money from us. He had much more money than my mother, which gave him a lot of control over our lives. I watched my mom work so hard for little pay, doing everything she could to provide for my brother and me. I don’t recall her ever buying herself anything during my childhood. But I do remember my dad promising to buy us the clothes and toys we wanted if we would come live with him.
I learned that I had to choose between love and money.
When I graduated from college and got a job with a top consulting firm, I didn’t have enough money to buy the suits I would need to wear, and timidly asked my father if I could borrow $400 to make the purchases. He agreed, then sent me a letter letting me know that this was the last time he would ever bail me out, and that I had to sign an agreement stating when I would pay him back. I bawled. When had I ever asked to be bailed out before? Me – the honors student, captain of the basketball and soccer teams, loved by all my teachers, working at least two jobs all through college, always trying to do what was “right” – why could I not escape his criticism and blame? I apologized for being such a burden and I paid the money back on schedule. I vowed I would never ask my father for anything again… ever.
I learned that asking for help was wrong.
My brother and I were often caught in the middle between our parents, playing peacemaker or messenger, or having to choose between them in a disagreement…
For the full story, you can get the book at http://aesbook.com
Get it today, October 19th, and you’ll also get access to over 100 free gifts you can download immediately!
It’s been quite a journey for me and I am grateful that I can share it with you.
Thanks for allowing me to be open and vulnerable.
Be the Karate Kid in Your Divorce
314 years
What do divorce and the Kung Fu have in common? Well, I watched the movie Karate Kid (the new version) with my daughter the other day and there are some good lessons in there. Dre, the Karate Kid, tells his mom that he’s going to be learning Kung Fu and she says something like “what have I told you about fighting?”. He replies “it’s not about fighting, it’s about making peace with your enemies”. I like that line a lot. That’s exactly how divorcing parents should look at dealing with each other.
“Kung Fu” means expertise in a skill achieved through hard work and practice. It has also been translated as “patient accomplishment”, because the idea is that it takes time and energy to master a skill. So let your goal be to have good kung fu in your divorce and co-parenting. It won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen just because you’d like it to. You will be required to put in the time and the energy, the sweat and tears, to make it happen. But you can make it happen. And you can “bring honor to your family”.
How does the Karate Kid start his training? Not by serious workouts or even learning specific martial arts moves. He starts by doing what seems to be a very mundane task…over and over and over again. He gets frustrated because it seems like he’s not learning anything. He wants to see results right away and he can’t see how what he is doing can possibly help him when he goes up against his “enemy” in a competition. But the teacher tells him to trust him and keep doing the same thing over and over.
Finally, the teacher engages him in a mock fight and shows him that the movements he was doing that seemed so pointless are actually movements that his body can now do effortlessly in a combat situation. He was learning all along, though he didn’t realize it.
This is precisely how you can create a harmonious situation with your former spouse and your kids. You simply engage in the every-day, common activities and behaviors that you do anyway with your friends. But you do them in relation to your ex.
You treat them respect.
You communicate regularly and effectively.
You use constructive criticism if needed, but refrain from bad-mouthing or dismissing.
You don’t judge or blame.
You discuss issues with a desire to find a common resolution.
You are honest.
You take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it.
You pay attention to and consider your children’s needs.
You notice and appreciate the little things.
You honor your differences and you keep an open mind.
You learn from your experiences.
You hold yourself accountable for your actions.
You celebrate successes.
You won’t see a change overnight and you may wonder if there’s a point to what you’re doing. I assure you, there is. Once these behaviors become natural and effortless, you will discover that you are able to effectively handle almost any situation that arises. You will find that your relationship has improved and you have, in fact, made peace with your “enemy”.
So you now have permission to use Kung Fu with your ex spouse. Get started today practicing patient accomplishment….wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off….
Divorce and Co-parenting: It’s a Team Effort and the Best Team Wins
114 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Getting divorced when you have children means that rather than parting ways you simply redefine your relationship. You go from being parents as husband and wife, living in one home, sharing space and finances, to being co-parents, living separately but still sharing finances in some way and often still sharing some friends. This can be a very challenging transition, as you learn new roles, new responsibilities and new boundaries.
The term co-parent implies that you are a team, working together toward a common goal. Co-workers perform all kinds of jobs together, co-founders create companies together, co-pilots fly planes together. They are members of the same team, each with important roles and duties that enable them to achieve the results they want. In the case of co-parents, the result is a healthy, well-adjusted, happy child who receives guidance and love from both parents.
As in the case of all other teams, collaboration, cooperation and compromise are necessary to be as effective and successful as possible. Imagine a doubles tennis team playing a match and one of the players just stands there and lets the other team member try to go after every single ball. They’re going to lose the match.
Whether you want to be on the same team or not, the fact is that you are, and the game you stand to lose is your child’s life. So what is it worth to you to figure out how best to play with your partner so you can be an unbeatable team?
Look honestly at your strengths and weaknesses and determine how you can divvy up the responsibilities of parenting. Make sure you do your fair share. Communicate with your partner so you can keep tweaking your game plan as needed. Keep practicing and learning from each mistake or stumble.
Get a coach if you need one to help you see the minor issues or potential you might be missing. Find supporters who will cheer you on when you’re struggling or wanting to give up.
You don’t have to be buddies with your ex, or even like them. If you’re finding it difficult to think of them as a partner or teammate, think back to a time when you had a co-worker or classmate that you disliked, but had to work with. You found a way, right? You didn’t love it, but you focused on what needed to be accomplished and you found the most effective way to communicate with them and still get the job done.
If you need to, think of your former spouse as a business partner now and the project you’ve been assigned is raising your child. It’s the biggest, most important project in the whole company and you stand to reap huge rewards if you do it well.
Go team!!
Divorce: Don’t Act Out of Fear
014 years
Dealing with your ex as you go through the divorce process and try to figure out how to co-parent now that you’re no longer together, can be frustrating to say the least. You may be asking yourself the following questions: Why can’t (s)he be on time? Why won’t (s)he spend more time with the kids? What is (s)he saying to our children about me? Is (s)he dating anyone? What if (s)he moves in with or marries that person (s)he’s been dating? How do I talk to him/her about financial issues? Should I tell him/her about the event coming up at school?
It has probably crossed your mind that it sure would be easier if (s)he would just disappear and stop interfering with your life, right? Or why can’t (s)he be more like so-and-so’s spouse? Well, the truth is, you can’t change your ex. You can’t control your ex. You can’t really avoid your ex. And you can’t make your ex disappear. Especially if you want what’s best for your children.
Your kids want both of you in their lives and they really want you to get along. They may want you back together, and since that’s not going to happen, the next best thing is to have a good, friendly relationship. No, I’m not kidding, and no, I’m not crazy.
I’ve been there, done that. I have a great relationship with my ex and his wife and their two kids. I don’t tell you that to brag or to make you feel bad, but rather to let you know that it’s possible and you can do it too. It didn’t happen because I’m lucky either. It happened because I chose that path. I made a commitment and I’ve done everything possible to stick to that commitment.
For example, I told my ex up front, when we made the decision to get divorced, that I would not repeat what my parents did. I knew he was concerned about our daughter and I let him know that was my primary concern too. I told him the things my parents did that were the most harmful to my brother and me, and I explained that I wanted us to respect one another and make decisions together about our child. I told him I knew how much he loved her and how much she loved him, and how important that relationship was to me. I made it clear that I would never try to keep her from him or use her as a pawn, because I understood that she needed both of us in her life.
When we separated, I gave my daughter a photo of her with her dad to put by her bed. It’s still there after six years. She wanted to put a photo of the three of us on the fridge (from her first day of school) and I said “sure”. These are simple things that really matter.
Don’t underestimate the importance of the other parent to your child, regardless of what (s)he’s done or not done, and regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
I welcomed my ex husband’s girlfriend when they started getting serious. I asked her to come in when they came over together for the first time to pick up my daughter. I wanted her to feel included and as comfortable as possible because I wanted her to be good to my daughter. I never wanted my daughter to be on the receiving end of someone’s dislike for me. And so I gave her no reasons to dislike me.
I realize how impossible this may sound to you right now, but I can’t stress enough what a difference it will make in your life, particularly long-term. It goes back to the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Imagine if you started dating someone who’s divorced and has kids. How awkward would you feel being the outsider, the new person, spending time with someone else’s kids? How would you feel if the ex-wife or ex-husband was rude to you or said negative things about you to their kids?
Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you had no ill will toward them? Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you could be a positive influence in their children’s lives? The fact of the matter is that both of you (the former spouse and the new partner) feel uncomfortable and aren’t sure what to do or say. Make the first move and ease the tension.
Don’t pre-judge and don’t assume. And remember that this person could be sharing a home with your kids one day and have a big impact on their lives. Do you want it to be positive or negative? You could be interacting with them for many years to come. Also remember that they cannot take your place. Your kids have one Mom and one Dad and that will always be true. They may have additional “parents” who care for them (which can be a really good thing), but they know the difference. They know who Mom and Dad are.
Don’t act out of fear. Act out of love.
Choose what’s best for your children and then make a commitment to stick to it, no matter what. You’ll be glad you did.
To learn more about how to deal with your ex in a way that’s positive and benefits everyone involved, check out my new teleclass series that’s starting in mid-September at www.NavigatingMyDivorce.com. Would love to have you join me!
Divorce: Is Happiness A Choice?
214 years
Divorced Happily Ever After. That’s the name of my business and I get a lot of remarks on it, along with some laughter. I’ll admit, it is a bit provocative. But that’s kind of the point. See, I’m tired of all the negativity surrounding divorce. I’m not saying there aren’t a lot of negative things that can happen leading up to and during a divorce, but I don’t think that should be where everyone puts their focus.
It’s like the nightly news. What gets the viewers? Nice, happy stories of people doing good deeds? Or horrible, tragic stories of brutality and devastation? Sadly our culture has come to thrive on shocking and disgusting stories. We can’t look away. We want to see how bad it can really get. And the media is happy to oblige us with ever more frightening accounts of violence that lead us to feel unsafe and certain that the world is falling apart.
I don’t subscribe to this way of thinking or believing, so I rarely watch or read the news. I keep up with current events just enough to avoid being completely ignorant about what’s happening in the world, but I don’t linger on the negative topics. And when I find an uplifting story, I relish it.
I politely excuse myself or gently steer the conversation elsewhere when I find myself in a group of people who are complaining about the state of affairs or encouraging each other’s fears. I think we find plenty to be afraid of in our everyday environment that there’s just no point in adding in more unnecessary fears.
And when it comes to divorce, I think we should do the same – steer away from the negativity. Yes, divorce is difficult. Yes, divorce is incredibly painful and sad. Yes, divorce is complicated. Yes, divorce can be heart-wrenching. I get it. I’ve been there, both as a child and as a parent. And it doesn’t mean your life is over. It certainly shouldn’t mean your children’s lives are ruined.
It all comes down to a choice.
How do you choose to respond to your circumstances? Do you want to be angry and stressed and miserable for many years to come because your marriage ended? Is that what you choose? Or do you want to be able to laugh and teach your children how to enjoy life, no matter the situation? I truly believe we all have this choice, every day, every minute.
And what you focus on, expands. So if you focus on the negative in your life, that’s what you’ll get more of. Notice the people you spend the most time with. If most of them are unhappy/negative/complaining a lot, then chances are, you are too. If this is the case, try elevating the conversation and mood and see what happens. If they’d rather whine and complain, it might be time to find some new folks to hang out with.
So, what does “happily ever after” mean? Certainly not the everything’s-always-perfect ideal that fairytales seem to promise. Nobody’s life is perfect. Life is ever-changing and we all have our share of challenges. It’s how we respond to them that makes all the difference.
Think about people you know who appear to have great lives. I bet they’ve all got stories from their past of not allowing some external event to stop them, or learning a lesson about living fully and loving life. Oprah Winfrey is an example. She grew up very poor, was made fun of at school and was molested by a family member. She could have lived a very sad life and nobody would have been surprised or disappointed in her. But she chose to live happily after after. She knew there was more to life and more for her to be in this life – and she went for it.
You can go for it too.
Choose your happiness.
It’s in your hands.
Happiness doesn’t mean having lots of money, or living in a fancy house, or even having great friends. True happiness is about your attitude, your outlook on life. It’s more of a constant. I am very happy. I have rough days sometimes and my life is far from perfect, but I am happy. Am I smiling and laughing ALL the time? No. Will I ever love cleaning the house? I doubt it. But I know that life is so much better when I choose to be happy over unhappy.
I make a conscious choice that my external circumstances will not determine my overall well-being and love for life. And I continue to make that choice over and over.
Marci Shimoff wrote a book called ‘Happy For No Reason’, in which she gives tips and habits of happy people. She explains that everyone has a happiness set-point that is their natural level of happiness. So, yes, some people are just naturally happier than others (you know the always smiling and bubbly type), but there are habits you can practice that will increase your happiness level, no matter where you are starting out.
My challenge to you: Choose to live happily. You won’t regret it.
** I’ll be talking about this more in my FREE teleclass on Tuesday, August 24 at 7pm Eastern. Sign up here.
If that time doesn’t work for you, no worries, sign up anyway because you’ll get the recording the next day.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a therapist and I do not make diagnoses. This article is not in any way meant to downplay or discount mental disorders or imbalances that affect emotional states, such as depression, bi-polar disorder, etc. For individuals dealing with these types of challenges, I am not recommending that you stop any current treatment or that you can make a conscious choice to be happy and that will “cure” you.
Divorce: How To Really Listen To Your Children
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Give your children the gift of really listening to them. We all want to be heard and feel like someone cares about how we feel and what we have to say. Being heard and validated can give your children confidence and a sense of safety when they’re feeling scared and uncertain.
One of the simplest techniques you can use to be a masterful listener is to reflect back to your kids what they say to you. For example, if your child mentions being worried about you not being married anymore, you can say “It sounds like you’re concerned about how things are going to be once we’re divorced. I can understand why you would feel worried.”
You can also say short phrases to validate their thoughts and feelings, like “I know”, “That’s right”, “You’re right”, “I understand”, “I’m sorry”, and so on. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but because you’re focusing on listening it’s not a good idea to tell them why you don’t agree. It’s much more important to allow them to say what’s on their mind and let them know it’s perfectly okay to be thinking or feeling whatever they are. So when you don’t agree or like what they’re saying, you can respond with “I hear what you’re saying”, or “I appreciate you sharing your thoughts”, or “I’m so glad you told me what you were thinking. Now I understand better what you’re going through”.
It’s okay to ask some questions to find out more, but be careful not to push for information or ask questions that sound judgmental or accusatory. Focus on being curious and compassionate and you will be surprised at how much your children will open up to you. The most important thing to remember is that they should do more talking than you.
Telling your children that you’d like to talk or sitting across from them and asking them questions one-on-one when you’re not doing anything else can feel intimidating or uncomfortable for your kids. Depending on their ages, they will be more likely to talk when they are doing something else like coloring or riding in the car or playing a game. If your kids are still young enough that you do a bedtime ritual with them, this is sometimes a good time to cuddle up together and talk about how things are going.
Be aware of what you’re children might be trying to tell you even when they’re not saying it directly. Notice what they say to each other and pay attention to what they draw or write, at home or at school.
Of course if you are concerned about their behavior or things they’ve said, written or drawn, certainly consult with a child specialist to make sure they get professional help if it’s needed.
“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.” ~John Marshall
Divorce: Celebrate Your Successes Along the Way
214 years
We all tend to be good at finding every single little thing we haven’t done perfectly and going over in our minds how we might have done things better or differently. Our inner critic gets a lot of action and a lot of attention. When we’re going through a challenging life experience like divorce, this is often even more common.
So I’m giving you permission right now to quiet that inner voice that likes to find fault and criticize, and to make a point of acknowledging everything that you’re doing well. Look at what you’re accomplishing and where you’re making progress and give yourself credit for it.
Take some time at least once a week, and especially whenever you’re feeling down, and make a list of your successes. They can be big or small and they don’t have to be tangible. Maybe you held back when you were tempted to say something antagonistic to your spouse, maybe you had a great laugh yesterday with a friend, perhaps you read some helpful divorce support information or completed some paperwork you needed to take care of.
Whatever you’ve done that makes you feel good, gives you a sense of relief, or moves you the tiniest bit forward – celebrate it. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. For some of the bigger items or those that have the most meaning for you, actually have a celebration of some kind. You can celebrate alone, or with someone else. Just make it fun and meaningful because the point is to feel good about yourself and recognize that you really are making progress.
You can sing and dance in your living room, have your favorite meal, go out with a friend, get a massage, or whatever makes you feel special and appreciated.
It can also help to share your successes with others. Tell a close friend or relative who will be happy for you and celebrate with you. Feel free to share your successes here. Just leave a comment on this blog – I’d love to cheer you on!
Who Are You Being in Your Divorce?
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
One of my mentors often says “How you do anything is how you do everything”. And I think she’s got a valid point. Think about it for a minute. Let that sink in.
Think about other people you know or have come across (it’s always easier to see things in other people than in ourselves – at least at first). Ever know anyone who was a jerk to the wait staff at restaurants? I bet they were a jerk to people in other situations too. Ever know anyone who made promises and always “intended” to do things, but never seemed to follow through? Ever know anyone whose car was a total mess? Do you think their house was neat and tidy?
Would you be willing to date a guy who’s been known to have a quick temper and get into fist fights with other guys? Not me. Would you be willing to date a woman who turns her nose up at anyone who doesn’t live in the “right” neighborhood or drive the “right” kind of car?
Another quote I like, from Maya Angelou, is “When people show you who they are, believe them”. It’s along the same lines. Basically, if you look at someone’s behavior, even if you only see them do something once, that’s a clue as to what kind of person they are and how they will treat you.
I mention these quotes because unfortunately divorce often brings out the worst in people and I want you to really think about who you are and who you want to be. Look at who you are being in your divorce. Is this the REAL you? Is this the person you want your children to know? What about your friends? What about your co-workers?
Don’t think for a minute that your actions and behavior in your divorce aren’t showing up in the rest of your life. People at work will notice. Your friends and family will notice. Because how you do anything is how you do everything. If you’ve become very negative and angry about what’s happening between you and your ex, your negativity and anger will spill over into every other piece of your life.
Here’s another quote for you: “What you focus on expands” ~Christopher M. Knight. This means that you get more of whatever you put your energy into (like anger and negativity). So the more negative you are in your life, the more negative your life will be. But if you focus on being understanding and compassionate, you will receive more understanding and compassion from those around you.
When you aim a lot of anger and bitterness at your ex, you may think that is the only place it is going, but you are wrong. “For what you do to others, you do to yourself.” ~Eckhart Tolle First of all, it affects you deeply as well, and secondly it affects everyone else around you. It is not as isolated as you may want it to be. It is part of who you are and it changes how people view and interact with you.
Other people who are focused on those same emotions will be drawn to you. So you may find others commiserating with you about your situation or enjoy bashing your former spouses together. This is because you share these negative feelings. Conversely, if you begin to focus on forgiveness and collaboration, you will find that there a lot of nice people interested in helping you. “You create your own reality” ~Jane Roberts
What I invite you to do is look at how you are dealing with your divorce and WHO YOU ARE BEING to deal with it in that way. Forget what your ex is doing or who they are being – that is irrelevant. They have their own path and their own work to do. Focus on yours.
Decide how you would like to behave if your divorce situation were ideal. Then ask yourself these questions:
- Who would you need to be in order to behave that way?
- What do you want to teach your children (or others) about who you are as a person?
- What do you want to teach your children (or others) about your character?
- What do you want to teach your children about who they can be one day?
- Do you like yourself as you are now? If not, what would you like to change about yourself?
These are tough questions and are not in any way intended to make you feel bad about yourself. Rather, they are to awaken awareness within you about your values and desires, and whether you are currently acting/living in alignment with them. If you find that you are not, don’t be hard on yourself. Instead, be grateful for the new awareness and be curious about where you can begin to take small steps toward that alignment. Remember, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson.
