Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged Divorce
My divorce story…
414 years
by marlene
in Collaborative Divorce
Today is a very exciting day for me. It’s also a little scary.
I’m a co-author of the book Align Expand Succeed: Shifting the Paradigm of Entrepreneurial Success and it’s being released TODAY! Woo-hoo!!!
So why am I a little scared? Well, because my chapter is about how my parents’ divorce affected me and shaped my life. And it’s not all smiley faces and rainbows. Sure, I’ve shared this story many times with people and I’m not shy about it…except when it comes to putting it in print.
You see, I’ve spent many years mending the pain and hurt that occurred in my childhood and I now have a really good relationship with my parents and step-parent. But the truth is that I’ve never shared with them all of my feelings and experiences that I went through as a child. When I was in my late 20’s, we basically decided to start over from scratch with our relationship. So we’ve just focused on the present and moving forward, without rehashing the past.
So now I’m spilling the beans, so to speak, about my past, and I don’t want to hurt anyone or stir things up. But at the same time, I feel it’s time for me to share openly what my experience was, in the hope that it can help others who are going through divorce. Nothing I’ve written is intended to blame or hurt anyone. It is simply my perception of what happened in my life, as seen through a child’s eyes, and processed by a child’s brain.
Of course, as an adult and parent now, I can look back with greater understanding and compassion for my parents and for the child I was. But I know that all of my experiences led me to where I am right now and who I am right now, and for that I am truly grateful.
I’ve included the beginning of my chapter here…
Broken Vows
By age ten I had made three vows to myself:
1. I would not depend on anyone for anything, especially money.
2. I would not show weakness or imperfection.
3. I would not get divorced, especially if I had kids.
Number 3 was the promise I did not keep, largely as a result of working so hard to keep numbers 1 and 2. I now look back at my childhood and have so much clarity and compassion for my parents, whose words and actions laid the path that ultimately led me to realize my life purpose.
I was six and my brother two when our parents divorced. My father remarried the following year, and as my stepmother took her place in our family, I felt my relationship with my father begin to slip away. My parents moved to different cities and my brother and I visited our dad every other weekend. My father often seemed frustrated and tense, and I quickly learned to dodge his anger and criticism by keeping quiet and staying out of the way. I loved to read so I kept my nose in my books as much as possible. Reading for me became not only a safety zone, but an escape from reality.
I learned to keep people at a safe distance.
I was naturally outspoken, confident, and active, but at my dad’s house, the meek and timid, perfectionist Marlene emerged, resulting in my dad’s belief that I was a very shy child. Because I didn’t share much with him about my everyday life, he was often surprised when I won leadership or citizenship awards, or participated in activities with friends. His reactions angered me because I felt that if he knew me at all, the last thing he would be was surprised. Looking back, I know my behavior helped create the distance between us and prevented him from knowing me. I was scared for him to know me because I was afraid of being close to him. I didn’t want to have feelings for him as I was terrified of getting hurt, afraid I could never please him, never get his approval, so I didn’t try. I made up my young mind that I didn’t care what he thought and that I didn’t need his approval. My brother took the opposite route. He tried desperately to win the approval of a man who was unable to give it, and when he didn’t, he tried to at least get his attention by misbehaving and getting into trouble. That worked, and I watched from behind my books as my brother’s spirit was broken by my father’s reactions and reproach.
I learned that being myself was not okay.
It seemed we were always walking on eggshells, attempting to avoid any explosions, until one day finally the bomb went off. My father and stepmother filed for full custody of my brother and me when I was nine. My mother was in graduate school full-time and we were living off of her modest savings. Now her nest egg went to an attorney in the hope of retaining custody. I was terrified that I would be taken from my mother, and remember lying in bed making plans to run away if I had to live with my father and stepmother. I thought surely if I ran away enough times, I would be allowed to go back to my mom. In court, my mom was made out to be an unfit mother, which was far from the truth. Somehow she still won the case, and our alternating weekend schedule continued. It was a relief, but it also seemed to cement the bitterness and conflict between my parents.
I learned that people could not be trusted.
I was too frightened of my father to talk to him openly about how I felt. I knew my mother was barely scraping by and always worried about money, so I didn’t want to make my father angry enough that he might withhold money from us. He had much more money than my mother, which gave him a lot of control over our lives. I watched my mom work so hard for little pay, doing everything she could to provide for my brother and me. I don’t recall her ever buying herself anything during my childhood. But I do remember my dad promising to buy us the clothes and toys we wanted if we would come live with him.
I learned that I had to choose between love and money.
When I graduated from college and got a job with a top consulting firm, I didn’t have enough money to buy the suits I would need to wear, and timidly asked my father if I could borrow $400 to make the purchases. He agreed, then sent me a letter letting me know that this was the last time he would ever bail me out, and that I had to sign an agreement stating when I would pay him back. I bawled. When had I ever asked to be bailed out before? Me – the honors student, captain of the basketball and soccer teams, loved by all my teachers, working at least two jobs all through college, always trying to do what was “right” – why could I not escape his criticism and blame? I apologized for being such a burden and I paid the money back on schedule. I vowed I would never ask my father for anything again… ever.
I learned that asking for help was wrong.
My brother and I were often caught in the middle between our parents, playing peacemaker or messenger, or having to choose between them in a disagreement…
For the full story, you can get the book at http://aesbook.com
Get it today, October 19th, and you’ll also get access to over 100 free gifts you can download immediately!
It’s been quite a journey for me and I am grateful that I can share it with you.
Thanks for allowing me to be open and vulnerable.
Be the Karate Kid in Your Divorce
314 years
What do divorce and the Kung Fu have in common? Well, I watched the movie Karate Kid (the new version) with my daughter the other day and there are some good lessons in there. Dre, the Karate Kid, tells his mom that he’s going to be learning Kung Fu and she says something like “what have I told you about fighting?”. He replies “it’s not about fighting, it’s about making peace with your enemies”. I like that line a lot. That’s exactly how divorcing parents should look at dealing with each other.
“Kung Fu” means expertise in a skill achieved through hard work and practice. It has also been translated as “patient accomplishment”, because the idea is that it takes time and energy to master a skill. So let your goal be to have good kung fu in your divorce and co-parenting. It won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen just because you’d like it to. You will be required to put in the time and the energy, the sweat and tears, to make it happen. But you can make it happen. And you can “bring honor to your family”.
How does the Karate Kid start his training? Not by serious workouts or even learning specific martial arts moves. He starts by doing what seems to be a very mundane task…over and over and over again. He gets frustrated because it seems like he’s not learning anything. He wants to see results right away and he can’t see how what he is doing can possibly help him when he goes up against his “enemy” in a competition. But the teacher tells him to trust him and keep doing the same thing over and over.
Finally, the teacher engages him in a mock fight and shows him that the movements he was doing that seemed so pointless are actually movements that his body can now do effortlessly in a combat situation. He was learning all along, though he didn’t realize it.
This is precisely how you can create a harmonious situation with your former spouse and your kids. You simply engage in the every-day, common activities and behaviors that you do anyway with your friends. But you do them in relation to your ex.
You treat them respect.
You communicate regularly and effectively.
You use constructive criticism if needed, but refrain from bad-mouthing or dismissing.
You don’t judge or blame.
You discuss issues with a desire to find a common resolution.
You are honest.
You take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it.
You pay attention to and consider your children’s needs.
You notice and appreciate the little things.
You honor your differences and you keep an open mind.
You learn from your experiences.
You hold yourself accountable for your actions.
You celebrate successes.
You won’t see a change overnight and you may wonder if there’s a point to what you’re doing. I assure you, there is. Once these behaviors become natural and effortless, you will discover that you are able to effectively handle almost any situation that arises. You will find that your relationship has improved and you have, in fact, made peace with your “enemy”.
So you now have permission to use Kung Fu with your ex spouse. Get started today practicing patient accomplishment….wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off….
Divorce and Co-parenting: It’s a Team Effort and the Best Team Wins
114 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Getting divorced when you have children means that rather than parting ways you simply redefine your relationship. You go from being parents as husband and wife, living in one home, sharing space and finances, to being co-parents, living separately but still sharing finances in some way and often still sharing some friends. This can be a very challenging transition, as you learn new roles, new responsibilities and new boundaries.
The term co-parent implies that you are a team, working together toward a common goal. Co-workers perform all kinds of jobs together, co-founders create companies together, co-pilots fly planes together. They are members of the same team, each with important roles and duties that enable them to achieve the results they want. In the case of co-parents, the result is a healthy, well-adjusted, happy child who receives guidance and love from both parents.
As in the case of all other teams, collaboration, cooperation and compromise are necessary to be as effective and successful as possible. Imagine a doubles tennis team playing a match and one of the players just stands there and lets the other team member try to go after every single ball. They’re going to lose the match.
Whether you want to be on the same team or not, the fact is that you are, and the game you stand to lose is your child’s life. So what is it worth to you to figure out how best to play with your partner so you can be an unbeatable team?
Look honestly at your strengths and weaknesses and determine how you can divvy up the responsibilities of parenting. Make sure you do your fair share. Communicate with your partner so you can keep tweaking your game plan as needed. Keep practicing and learning from each mistake or stumble.
Get a coach if you need one to help you see the minor issues or potential you might be missing. Find supporters who will cheer you on when you’re struggling or wanting to give up.
You don’t have to be buddies with your ex, or even like them. If you’re finding it difficult to think of them as a partner or teammate, think back to a time when you had a co-worker or classmate that you disliked, but had to work with. You found a way, right? You didn’t love it, but you focused on what needed to be accomplished and you found the most effective way to communicate with them and still get the job done.
If you need to, think of your former spouse as a business partner now and the project you’ve been assigned is raising your child. It’s the biggest, most important project in the whole company and you stand to reap huge rewards if you do it well.
Go team!!
Divorce: Don’t Act Out of Fear
014 years
Dealing with your ex as you go through the divorce process and try to figure out how to co-parent now that you’re no longer together, can be frustrating to say the least. You may be asking yourself the following questions: Why can’t (s)he be on time? Why won’t (s)he spend more time with the kids? What is (s)he saying to our children about me? Is (s)he dating anyone? What if (s)he moves in with or marries that person (s)he’s been dating? How do I talk to him/her about financial issues? Should I tell him/her about the event coming up at school?
It has probably crossed your mind that it sure would be easier if (s)he would just disappear and stop interfering with your life, right? Or why can’t (s)he be more like so-and-so’s spouse? Well, the truth is, you can’t change your ex. You can’t control your ex. You can’t really avoid your ex. And you can’t make your ex disappear. Especially if you want what’s best for your children.
Your kids want both of you in their lives and they really want you to get along. They may want you back together, and since that’s not going to happen, the next best thing is to have a good, friendly relationship. No, I’m not kidding, and no, I’m not crazy.
I’ve been there, done that. I have a great relationship with my ex and his wife and their two kids. I don’t tell you that to brag or to make you feel bad, but rather to let you know that it’s possible and you can do it too. It didn’t happen because I’m lucky either. It happened because I chose that path. I made a commitment and I’ve done everything possible to stick to that commitment.
For example, I told my ex up front, when we made the decision to get divorced, that I would not repeat what my parents did. I knew he was concerned about our daughter and I let him know that was my primary concern too. I told him the things my parents did that were the most harmful to my brother and me, and I explained that I wanted us to respect one another and make decisions together about our child. I told him I knew how much he loved her and how much she loved him, and how important that relationship was to me. I made it clear that I would never try to keep her from him or use her as a pawn, because I understood that she needed both of us in her life.
When we separated, I gave my daughter a photo of her with her dad to put by her bed. It’s still there after six years. She wanted to put a photo of the three of us on the fridge (from her first day of school) and I said “sure”. These are simple things that really matter.
Don’t underestimate the importance of the other parent to your child, regardless of what (s)he’s done or not done, and regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
I welcomed my ex husband’s girlfriend when they started getting serious. I asked her to come in when they came over together for the first time to pick up my daughter. I wanted her to feel included and as comfortable as possible because I wanted her to be good to my daughter. I never wanted my daughter to be on the receiving end of someone’s dislike for me. And so I gave her no reasons to dislike me.
I realize how impossible this may sound to you right now, but I can’t stress enough what a difference it will make in your life, particularly long-term. It goes back to the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Imagine if you started dating someone who’s divorced and has kids. How awkward would you feel being the outsider, the new person, spending time with someone else’s kids? How would you feel if the ex-wife or ex-husband was rude to you or said negative things about you to their kids?
Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you had no ill will toward them? Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you could be a positive influence in their children’s lives? The fact of the matter is that both of you (the former spouse and the new partner) feel uncomfortable and aren’t sure what to do or say. Make the first move and ease the tension.
Don’t pre-judge and don’t assume. And remember that this person could be sharing a home with your kids one day and have a big impact on their lives. Do you want it to be positive or negative? You could be interacting with them for many years to come. Also remember that they cannot take your place. Your kids have one Mom and one Dad and that will always be true. They may have additional “parents” who care for them (which can be a really good thing), but they know the difference. They know who Mom and Dad are.
Don’t act out of fear. Act out of love.
Choose what’s best for your children and then make a commitment to stick to it, no matter what. You’ll be glad you did.
To learn more about how to deal with your ex in a way that’s positive and benefits everyone involved, check out my new teleclass series that’s starting in mid-September at www.NavigatingMyDivorce.com. Would love to have you join me!
Divorce: Is Happiness A Choice?
214 years
Divorced Happily Ever After. That’s the name of my business and I get a lot of remarks on it, along with some laughter. I’ll admit, it is a bit provocative. But that’s kind of the point. See, I’m tired of all the negativity surrounding divorce. I’m not saying there aren’t a lot of negative things that can happen leading up to and during a divorce, but I don’t think that should be where everyone puts their focus.
It’s like the nightly news. What gets the viewers? Nice, happy stories of people doing good deeds? Or horrible, tragic stories of brutality and devastation? Sadly our culture has come to thrive on shocking and disgusting stories. We can’t look away. We want to see how bad it can really get. And the media is happy to oblige us with ever more frightening accounts of violence that lead us to feel unsafe and certain that the world is falling apart.
I don’t subscribe to this way of thinking or believing, so I rarely watch or read the news. I keep up with current events just enough to avoid being completely ignorant about what’s happening in the world, but I don’t linger on the negative topics. And when I find an uplifting story, I relish it.
I politely excuse myself or gently steer the conversation elsewhere when I find myself in a group of people who are complaining about the state of affairs or encouraging each other’s fears. I think we find plenty to be afraid of in our everyday environment that there’s just no point in adding in more unnecessary fears.
And when it comes to divorce, I think we should do the same – steer away from the negativity. Yes, divorce is difficult. Yes, divorce is incredibly painful and sad. Yes, divorce is complicated. Yes, divorce can be heart-wrenching. I get it. I’ve been there, both as a child and as a parent. And it doesn’t mean your life is over. It certainly shouldn’t mean your children’s lives are ruined.
It all comes down to a choice.
How do you choose to respond to your circumstances? Do you want to be angry and stressed and miserable for many years to come because your marriage ended? Is that what you choose? Or do you want to be able to laugh and teach your children how to enjoy life, no matter the situation? I truly believe we all have this choice, every day, every minute.
And what you focus on, expands. So if you focus on the negative in your life, that’s what you’ll get more of. Notice the people you spend the most time with. If most of them are unhappy/negative/complaining a lot, then chances are, you are too. If this is the case, try elevating the conversation and mood and see what happens. If they’d rather whine and complain, it might be time to find some new folks to hang out with.
So, what does “happily ever after” mean? Certainly not the everything’s-always-perfect ideal that fairytales seem to promise. Nobody’s life is perfect. Life is ever-changing and we all have our share of challenges. It’s how we respond to them that makes all the difference.
Think about people you know who appear to have great lives. I bet they’ve all got stories from their past of not allowing some external event to stop them, or learning a lesson about living fully and loving life. Oprah Winfrey is an example. She grew up very poor, was made fun of at school and was molested by a family member. She could have lived a very sad life and nobody would have been surprised or disappointed in her. But she chose to live happily after after. She knew there was more to life and more for her to be in this life – and she went for it.
You can go for it too.
Choose your happiness.
It’s in your hands.
Happiness doesn’t mean having lots of money, or living in a fancy house, or even having great friends. True happiness is about your attitude, your outlook on life. It’s more of a constant. I am very happy. I have rough days sometimes and my life is far from perfect, but I am happy. Am I smiling and laughing ALL the time? No. Will I ever love cleaning the house? I doubt it. But I know that life is so much better when I choose to be happy over unhappy.
I make a conscious choice that my external circumstances will not determine my overall well-being and love for life. And I continue to make that choice over and over.
Marci Shimoff wrote a book called ‘Happy For No Reason’, in which she gives tips and habits of happy people. She explains that everyone has a happiness set-point that is their natural level of happiness. So, yes, some people are just naturally happier than others (you know the always smiling and bubbly type), but there are habits you can practice that will increase your happiness level, no matter where you are starting out.
My challenge to you: Choose to live happily. You won’t regret it.
** I’ll be talking about this more in my FREE teleclass on Tuesday, August 24 at 7pm Eastern. Sign up here.
If that time doesn’t work for you, no worries, sign up anyway because you’ll get the recording the next day.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a therapist and I do not make diagnoses. This article is not in any way meant to downplay or discount mental disorders or imbalances that affect emotional states, such as depression, bi-polar disorder, etc. For individuals dealing with these types of challenges, I am not recommending that you stop any current treatment or that you can make a conscious choice to be happy and that will “cure” you.
Divorce: How To Really Listen To Your Children
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Give your children the gift of really listening to them. We all want to be heard and feel like someone cares about how we feel and what we have to say. Being heard and validated can give your children confidence and a sense of safety when they’re feeling scared and uncertain.
One of the simplest techniques you can use to be a masterful listener is to reflect back to your kids what they say to you. For example, if your child mentions being worried about you not being married anymore, you can say “It sounds like you’re concerned about how things are going to be once we’re divorced. I can understand why you would feel worried.”
You can also say short phrases to validate their thoughts and feelings, like “I know”, “That’s right”, “You’re right”, “I understand”, “I’m sorry”, and so on. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but because you’re focusing on listening it’s not a good idea to tell them why you don’t agree. It’s much more important to allow them to say what’s on their mind and let them know it’s perfectly okay to be thinking or feeling whatever they are. So when you don’t agree or like what they’re saying, you can respond with “I hear what you’re saying”, or “I appreciate you sharing your thoughts”, or “I’m so glad you told me what you were thinking. Now I understand better what you’re going through”.
It’s okay to ask some questions to find out more, but be careful not to push for information or ask questions that sound judgmental or accusatory. Focus on being curious and compassionate and you will be surprised at how much your children will open up to you. The most important thing to remember is that they should do more talking than you.
Telling your children that you’d like to talk or sitting across from them and asking them questions one-on-one when you’re not doing anything else can feel intimidating or uncomfortable for your kids. Depending on their ages, they will be more likely to talk when they are doing something else like coloring or riding in the car or playing a game. If your kids are still young enough that you do a bedtime ritual with them, this is sometimes a good time to cuddle up together and talk about how things are going.
Be aware of what you’re children might be trying to tell you even when they’re not saying it directly. Notice what they say to each other and pay attention to what they draw or write, at home or at school.
Of course if you are concerned about their behavior or things they’ve said, written or drawn, certainly consult with a child specialist to make sure they get professional help if it’s needed.
“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.” ~John Marshall
Divorce: Celebrate Your Successes Along the Way
214 years
We all tend to be good at finding every single little thing we haven’t done perfectly and going over in our minds how we might have done things better or differently. Our inner critic gets a lot of action and a lot of attention. When we’re going through a challenging life experience like divorce, this is often even more common.
So I’m giving you permission right now to quiet that inner voice that likes to find fault and criticize, and to make a point of acknowledging everything that you’re doing well. Look at what you’re accomplishing and where you’re making progress and give yourself credit for it.
Take some time at least once a week, and especially whenever you’re feeling down, and make a list of your successes. They can be big or small and they don’t have to be tangible. Maybe you held back when you were tempted to say something antagonistic to your spouse, maybe you had a great laugh yesterday with a friend, perhaps you read some helpful divorce support information or completed some paperwork you needed to take care of.
Whatever you’ve done that makes you feel good, gives you a sense of relief, or moves you the tiniest bit forward – celebrate it. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. For some of the bigger items or those that have the most meaning for you, actually have a celebration of some kind. You can celebrate alone, or with someone else. Just make it fun and meaningful because the point is to feel good about yourself and recognize that you really are making progress.
You can sing and dance in your living room, have your favorite meal, go out with a friend, get a massage, or whatever makes you feel special and appreciated.
It can also help to share your successes with others. Tell a close friend or relative who will be happy for you and celebrate with you. Feel free to share your successes here. Just leave a comment on this blog – I’d love to cheer you on!
Divorce: Start A New Tradition With Your Kids
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Many families have traditions, like an annual family trip to a special place, or a special celebration on Christmas Eve, or a Friday night eating place. Maybe you’ve been spending every Thanksgiving with your in-laws or make a trip each year to Disney World because your spouse’s best friend lives in Orlando. Maybe your spouse made a special breakfast on Saturday mornings or you ate dinner at your parents’ house every Sunday.
Traditions can be a lot of fun because they can be something to look forward to that create wonderful lifetime memories. Sometimes they’re passed down from generation to generation, giving them even more meaning. If your family didn’t have any traditions, then this is a good time to start one. And if you had one that clearly isn’t going to be possible going forward because of the divorce, then it’s a great time to start a new one.
Some traditions may continue with your ex and the children, but will no longer include you. For instance, the trip to Disney I mentioned where your spouse’s best friend lives. Or Thanksgiving with your in-laws. And you may continue some with your kids that no longer include your ex. Like dinner with your parents. But I encourage you to start something new, that won’t remind your children that someone is missing.
It doesn’t have to be big, like a trip, it just needs to be special and not something you do every day. You want your kids to look forward to it and remember it fondly as they move into adulthood. It could have so much meaning for them that they want to carry it forward and do it with their own children one day.
Here are some examples from my own childhood:
- Often on weekends, my father would make special pancakes for us in the shapes of animals or other objects (he took requests!)
- After church on Sundays, my mother would let us (the kids) chose any place we wanted to eat lunch (I think we took turns choosing so there were no arguments J)
- Birthday celebrations were a big deal in my family and we still celebrate all of them (including the adults), in person if possible
- We made a trip to the beach each summer and we took a trip to the mountains each summer (these were both drivable where I grew up)
- We visited our grandparents every so often and had special things we only got or did there. I remember that my mother’s parents had a bowl with butterscotch candies in it and I would get to have one. They also taught me to put peanut butter between two Nilla wafers and eat them like a sandwich – delicious! And I never got that at home – only at their house.
Other options to get your own ideas flowing:
- Have a picnic at a special location each spring and each fall
- Do movie night together at home once a month (make popcorn or some other special snack)
- Have one night a month that the kids make dinner (if they’re old enough)
- Go to the library together once or twice a month and check out books – pick one to read together (if your children can already read – otherwise you’ll read all of them together of course)
- Have an annual or semi-annual camping trip
- Have a bedtime ritual (read a book, sing a song, share 3 things you’re grateful for, etc)
- Have a game night once or twice a month.
- Send your children postcards every time you go out of town.
Have fun coming up with your own traditions and ENJOY them! Your kids will really appreciate it. There will be so much of their childhood that they don’t remember – but these very special times with you that are repeated will be cherished by them…and by you.
How Children React to Divorce
614 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
If you’re a parent going through a divorce, you’re probably worried about how your children will be affected by the divorce. You may be watching for signs of problems like temper tantrums, withdrawing, poor grades, etc. You may be pretending everything is fine and trying not to mention the divorce much. Or you might be on edge and snapping at your kids a lot, blaming anything that goes wrong on the divorce.
If your kids are acting like everything is okay or even telling you that they’re fine, don’t believe it. I’m not saying that you’re kids are miserable or horribly damaged, but they ARE being affected by your divorce. Just as you are. It’s impossible not to be. The key is to minimize the impact by talking regularly, sharing feelings, encouraging openness and expressing love…a lot.
Your kids are going to be concerned about you and will often try to be especially good during this time because they don’t want to cause you any further upset. They are already worried that your split may have something to do with them so they want to make sure they don’t cause any more problems. It’s imperative that you make it very clear to your children that they in no way caused your marriage to end and that they cannot bring you back together either.
Younger children are more likely to think they are somehow at fault, while older children often get angry at their parents. Some kids cry a lot, others show no emotion. No matter how they act outwardly, they have a lot going on internally as they try to process what’s happening. They aren’t capable of fully understanding adult relationships (even when they’re teenagers), so it’s a very confusing and unsettling time for them.
Let them know they can talk to you about how they are feeling and that you understand their anger, sadness, fear, etc. Don’t try to convince them that everything is fine. Instead let them say what they’re thinking and simply let them know you care. Tell them how much you love them and that you will do all you can to help them get through the changes.
Don’t share too much information with them about why you are getting divorced. They aren’t old enough to understand and this information can be very painful for kids. Regardless of who did what, the children need to see their parents just as mom and dad. If one parent is a jerk, let the children discover and decide that for themselves as they get older. For children, anything negative about one of their parents makes them feel that they, too, are bad since they come from that parent. So if you bad-mouth your ex, you are bad-mouthing your child. Keep that in mind when you have the urge to say something not-so-nice in front of your kids (even if it’s true).
If your kids are in school or some kind of child care, talk with their teachers and care-givers regularly. Let them know what’s happening and ask them to let you know if they see changes in your child. They spend a lot of time with your children and will likely notice if anything is different, and your kids are more apt to act out when they’re away from you.
Divorce is so difficult on the two adults going through it, it’s often hard to muster the energy to take care of anyone else. I know. But your children need you now more than ever. Do your best to be present with your kids, to check in with them and let them know how much you care. Plan some activities that you can enjoy together, so you can all get a break from the heaviness of the “divorce stuff” and enjoy life. Laughter truly is great medicine. The more you’re able to still have fun and laugh, the more your children will feel like things really are going to be okay.
NOTE: For more in-depth information on how to talk to your kids about divorce and what to expect from them at various ages, check out my new How To Tell Your Friends and Family That You’re Getting Divorced Kit. This includes a bonus report on How To Tell Your Kids You’re Getting Divorced. Full details at http://HowToTalkAboutDivorce.com
How Flexible Are You?
214 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Summer is especially crazy for many families as we try to schedule camps, visiting grand-parents, visiting friends, sleepovers, swimming lessons, vacations and all the other common summer activities. When you get divorced, this can be even more difficult.
Here’s the situation in my family. My parents are divorced and my father is remarried. I’m divorced and my ex-husband is remarried. They have two children of their own (half-siblings to my daughter). So my daughter has four grand-mothers and two grand-fathers, whom she all loves and who all adore her. None of them live in the same city we live in (yet). Of course they all love to spend time with her. So every time she has a break from school (like now), we’re trying to figure out who’s coming to visit or where we’re going.
It can be a little stressful and challenging. But don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled that my daughter has so many wonderful adults in her life who care about her.
The thing is, this would never work if her father and I weren’t willing to be flexible and reasonable, and regularly discuss our calendars. We share physical custody 50-50, so we have our “normal” schedule which includes every other weekend and half of the weekdays that she’s with each parent. But things come up. That’s just life. So we change it sometimes. We talk about it and we change it when it makes sense.
I don’t want to keep my daughter from spending time with her other grandparents, so if they happen to be visiting on a weekend she’s “supposed to” be with me, we mix it up. Maybe she spends half of the weekend with them, or maybe we swap weekends. For July 4th, we all went to the fireworks together.
Be as open and flexible as you can, while still maintaining some routine for your kids. It makes a big difference, particularly as your children get older and care more about attending certain activities with their friends. Don’t prevent them from going to a birthday party or attending a school function just because it’s “your weekend”. There may be times when this does make the most sense, but don’t make it a habit. You don’t want your children equating going to your house with missing out on things they enjoy.
It’s important to figure out a method that works best for you to keep track of all the events and activities that your kids are involved in, as well as your own schedules. Some parents are comfortable picking up the phone and talking about it, or getting together in person with calendars in hand. Other people prefer to communicate via email. Another option is to create a calendar online (Google calendar is one) that you can both view and update. Just make sure you both know what’s going on and be flexible.
